“If Only”

I used to believe that somehow ” If Only ” I had only done this or not done that, things would not have been so awful in my relationship until I figured out he was a narcissist. But before that, I would go over every single incident in my mind wondering what happened and what I had done wrong. Please have a listen to this video where I explain this ” If Only” thinking is. If you would like to read the video transcription it is below the video.

I remember thinking back to the beginning of my relationship with my narcissistic partner when I was in love with him and believed that what I had with him was unique and special.

I did however finally get it and I knew things were over because I saw who he really was. But before I got it, I wondered what I could have done differently to have saved my perfect relationship. I looked back on every single moment that led to its downfall and wished it had gone differently.

I had thoughts about how to fix things that I supposedly broke. Things like:

• If only I had not told him to stop criticizing me then he would not think I was so too sensitive
• If I had been able to pretend nothing was wrong when he didn’t help out with the household chores or the kids, he would not think I was so demanding
• If I had not gained some weight he would have found me attractive and wanted to have sex with me

Of course, I realized eventually, none of these things could ever justify abuse and why changing any of these minor events would have little impact on whether or not the relationship was successful.

Love should be stable and consistent and not based on reasonable reactions to unacceptable behavior by a toxic partner.

If my entire relationship was based on a few ” if only” moments going differently then it was an awful relationship, to begin with. Walking on eggshells, constant criticism and arguing is not a supportive caring relationship.

I wish someone had told me that these ” if only” thoughts are completely normal and eventually would go away. I somehow felt optimistically high when I dismissed the whole abuse thing, thinking that an apology or one nice gesture could fix everything. It wouldn’t.

Eventually, I saw that if my narcissistic partner ever cared about me, I would not be going over every single one of my mistakes in my mind, wondering why things did not work out and ruminate about ” if only” thoughts.

I realized that he took NO responsibility ever for his actions while I did all I could to try and make it work.

I hope you find this of some help on your healing path.

Love to you

Debbi