My #2 Myth About Narcissist Abuse

When I was in the relationship with my narcissistic partner I did not know I was in an abusive relationship. I tried to understand why he behaved the way he did with me. I thought maybe he was depressed or anxious or had an anger problem or even worse it was something I was doing or not doing. Here I speak about my #2 Misconception about Narcissistic Abuse. If you would like the script to the video please find it below the video.

My # 2 misconception about narcissistic abuse was:

• My narcissistically abusive partner’s behavior was not anything he was doing purposefully
• My narcissistically abusive partner regretted his behavior with me

He clearly behaved one way in public but he was a completely different person behind closed doors with me. At the beginning of our relationship and even at times during the relationship when he wanted to, he could be so charming and he was very capable of controlling himself. He knew exactly how to manage his emotions and control himself depending on what he wanted.

There have been well-documented research from experts like Dr. Robert Hare, Dr. Martha Stout, Lundy Bancroft, and others that narcissists have a predatory nature which includes behaviors that are intentional, manipulative and sadistic as well as having an ability to control their abusive behavior in public.

So this goes hand in hand with the myth that abusers can’t help it and that’s just the way they are. He knew exactly what he was doing. He could easily put on a charming front, his false mask, for everyone else while abusing me when we were alone. His level of self-control could be seen in his ” performances” at work, or anywhere when he was out in public.

Of course at the beginning of our relationship, the idealization phase, he was able to control himself so well, making me feel special, listened to, supported and as though I was his soulmate. He was an expert at controlling his emotions and control himself in order to get exactly what he wanted. A master at manipulation as I did not even know I was being played.

Narcissists can absolutely help it and are certainly not helpless to their disorder( NPD) and they selectively choose which victims to devalue and discard, and those victims tend to be ones they are closest to.

I found that the deeper I got into the relationship the more disempowered I felt. I later discovered it was due to my becoming his main source of supply, abusing me in any way he chose.

Just to be clear, he was not psychotic and never has been. He was making a deliberate choice to demean, manipulate, control, and hurt me, just as he made a choice not to hurt another person. He made a choice to turn his behavior on and off in public while he chose to change his behavior to cruelty in private with me. He simply decided how he acted where and when because his abusive behavior rewarded him.

He had the ability to gaslight, project, blameshift, turn his abusive behavior on and off in public when he felt like it and when to start a smear campaign against me to escape any responsibility for his actions. He was aware of what he was doing and that he was to blame for his cruel behavior when I would confront him. He just did not care to stop. It actually seemed like a game to him now that I look back on it all. Like a cat with a mouse. He is the cat and I am the mouse.

The narcissist can not scheme to blame anyone else for their actions if they feel no guilt for what they are doing but are quite aware of how abusive and malicious their behavior would appear to the public and so are attempting to escape being found out. Also, they are unable to switch their masks so quickly from their true selves to their false selves and vice versa when there is a witness if they are not consciously controlling it.

The Short Answer to The Original Questions

Do narcissists know what they are doing?

Yes, they are doing whatever they are doing to get the narcissistic supply. There is no remorse or regret for doing that.

It is almost impossible but important to understand that narcissists have very little if any comprehension of how this affects other people and they don’t care. To them, people are only objects anyway.

Do they ever regret their behavior?

Yes, a narcissist can regret their behavior, but only ever in the context of it being only about them and how it affects them. Everything is always about them and what they can get out of anything.

Do they ever take responsibility for what they’ve done?

A narcissist will not genuinely apologize for what they’ve done.

They can fake genuine remorse and it may look like an apology but this is simply to reinstate their agenda, which sadly has nothing to do with caring or loving another.

And once the cracks appear in relationships, the narcissist will start looking around for a fresh supply, and once found, the old supply will be discarded, tossed away as if it didn’t even exist, that was me.

I hope that by sharing this it may help clear things up for you and you realize that wanting a narcissist to be remorseful, regretful, and forgiving in ways that have anything to do with you, is futile.

It is impossible for the narcissist because they simply do not have the inner resources, or brain wiring, to comply.

And malignant narcissists know exactly what they are doing and in fact, they like it.

I no longer believe the misconception that his behavior which I know now was abusive was not anything he was doing on purpose and that he regretted what he was doing.

What is important to take away from this is:

You do not need the narcissist to apologize for you to heal. By focusing on them and not working on healing your own wounds, you are trapping yourself to your trauma prison indefinitely.

You can heal and I can show you the way.

First, have a look at some of my healing affirmations and start your healing process. There are many other articles to read or listen to here on the website if you need to increase your education about narcissistic abuse recovery.

If you are at a place that you know and understand what narcissistic abuse is and you have left the situation but find you are still reeling from the effects of it, it may be time to begin your healing from within. Send me an email or text me on here,

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Love to you

Debbi