Narcissists and Their Financial Tricks
Many women have suffered financial abuse during a narcissistic relationship, including me.
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Have a listen to my video and if you would like the transcript find it below the video:
It’s often part and parcel of the overall controlling, abusive environment with a narcissist. The narcissist can be subtle, right up in your face, or a combination of these regarding financial abuse.
Financial abuse is another way to diminish and control you. Money and finances are an essential part of independence and security in many cultures. If you have no money and no access to money, it’s hard to feel either of these, and you may become stuck in a situation feeling like there is no way out.
Financial abuse is often one of the critical ways that abusers attempt to keep people in the relationship. If you have no money, it’s harder to leave. This withholding of funds is one of the biggest reasons we hear that people cannot end the toxic relationship: they either don’t have the money, don’t have access to the money, or have children who are financially dependent on them.
Financial abuse doesn’t just involve taking, stopping, or controlling others from earning money. It can also be refusing to pay their share of expenses, supporting themselves, or contributing to the finances in general. It can be insisting that others are required to care for them financially.
It can involve taking money from others without permission and claiming that it’s not stealing. It can be borrowing money, spending without regard to you, taking out credit lines or loans, otherwise creating financial mayhem and catastrophe for you.
It can involve threatening, guilting, manipulating, harassing, bullying, throwing tantrums, or terrorizing you to try to force you to give them money or buy them things. Financial abuse is any situation where money, access to capital, or control of funds is used to hurt, punish, or threaten your security.
Narcissists Can Be Glaringly Obvious With Their Financial Abuse
They often believe that no one else is as smart, clever, or responsible enough as they are, and that is why they need to control the money. My narcissistic partner believed he was an authority on everything.
They may be deliberately cruel about controlling it, taking pleasure in creating circumstances where they force you to ask, or even beg for money for even the most basic of things. They offer money so they can control you.
Here is an example of the kind of financial abuse my narcissistic partner did to me:
We arranged to have three weeks off from work at the same time so that we could go away on vacation; however, he managed to manipulate me so that I ended up going away by myself with the two kids and the dog for three weeks to rental cottages close to our home while he went off alone to an exotic place for three weeks. As a result, the cost of my vacation was $2,000 for the three of us, while his vacation for one person was $6,000.
Some are obvious and insist they are the ones who will look after all the bills then they don’t pay them or don’t pay them on time causing further unnecessary problems for you, like extra late fees and calls from the companies or even collection agencies.
They may constantly talk about how much they do for others financially or how much everyone owes them.
Others are more passive-aggressive. My ex narcissistic partner, who often would overspend, bought a $3,000 Hugo Boss suit and a $300 shirt and $150 tie creating a situation where there was not enough money for the bills. Narcissistic entitlement at its best here, and he used the same lines he used with his expensive vacation ” I never really get anything for myself. ”
They may attack you, saying that you are the selfish one, and blame you for having any reaction to what he has done. They may insist that too much is being made of how he spent the money on himself. It isn’t that big of a deal that, he’s being mistreated, that he feels unimportant or is being abused by you because you have the nerve to question him about what he believes he is entitled to have.
The fact that they’ve created a significant financial burden is irrelevant to them and is not addressed. They may insist that you are over-dramatic just to hurt them or that other money is hidden somewhere and they never buy anything for themselves. Then, when the narcissist blows it up and causes a big argument, they divert the issue from the real problem and their irresponsible spending or withholding of money.
More Reasons Why They Do It
Pathologically narcissistic abusers engage in financially abusive behavior because they are power-seeking and controlling and because they are irresponsible, inconsiderate, selfish, and childish.
They are inclined to magical thinking, believing there will be enough money, the money will come from somewhere, or that something will happen to make everything all right because they want these things to be true and for no other reason. When this magical thing does not happen to make everything work out despite their irresponsibility, incompetence, or selfishness, and they caused the problem, what they do is, of course is, blame you.
Because narcissists view people as objects and extensions of themselves, they see no reason they should have to share anything that they view as theirs and are entitled to anything that isn’t. Kind of like what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine.
Living with financial abuse can be highly traumatic and demoralizing. First, you are abused, then gaslighted, and told that what you are experiencing is not abuse. At the same time, you are blamed for the abuse you are being notified is not happening. Truly crazy-making behavior.
You may also be involved in multiple situations where you are humiliated by financial abuse as I was.
It may look like this: not having enough money when you are at the supermarket to pay for your food because he has taken money out for himself without a thought and doesn’t leave enough in the account, being forced to beg him for money or perform tasks to get money to buy necessities for the family, needing to borrow from others because of his overspending or withholding, having to call utility companies and try to persuade them not to turn the utilities off.
There can be financial disasters due to the abuser keeping secrets or trying to hide things from you, and when these things are finally unable to be hidden any longer, they come as a huge shock.
This may look like this:
- your narcissist partner loses their job but doesn’t tell you
- putting large amounts of credit on your joint credit line,
- gambling
- using credit ( this was what I had to live with) for himself to buy an expensive vacation for only himself, expensive clothing for himself, or buying only the best food, which meant expensive meat, cheese, and other foods
Maybe they pretended to pay the mortgage but weren’t doing it. When the mortgage company contacts you, not only are you shocked but completely unprepared and worse, have to remedy the situation.
These situations continue to happen over and over again.
They can be more minor incidents as well as big catastrophes. For example, you may have just dug yourself out of a financial hole, only to find that the abuser’s selfish, reckless, or controlling ways have pushed you right back in again. Or you may just be starting to feel stable and secure again, only to find that your narcissist partner has become angry with you and cut off access to your own money once more.
Your abuser may have bought you a reliable car as a gift so you can get to work and then constantly threaten to have it repossessed regularly as a punishment for not doing specifically what he wanted.
The abuser may insist they don’t have to pay or contribute to the mortgage or household because “they’ve paid enough” by dealing with the supposed horrific mistreatment you have given them.
The narcissist may create situations so that you cannot work or do things that get you fired. For example, my narcissistic partner would repeatedly tell me how important he was and how important his job was even though I made more money than he did and had a very responsible position.
They may repeatedly sabotage their employment. My partner told me many times how his boss did not understand him or mistreated him and had it out for him. He neglected to say he would go in late every day and show up when he wanted to until he was let go from his position for this. His employer eventually figured out what he was up to and who he was, and his position became obsolete.
The list goes on and on.
There are so many versions of financial abuse.
When you live with financial abuse, it is common to develop chronic shelter, food, or general financial insecurities. As a result, you constantly fear that there will not be enough or what you have will be taken away.
It is not uncommon to develop extreme anxiety because of financial abuse, and even thinking about finances or money can become a trigger for you. Your basic sense of stability or security has often been completely undermined to the point where you are constantly on edge.
This kind of abuse is deceptive and destructive; not only does it create chronic financial insecurities. It robs you of your feelings safety, but it often creates situations where you can be extremely controlling regarding the money in a desperate attempt to stop your narcissistic partner from using it as a weapon.
You may deny the narcissist access to bank accounts, close down credit lines, take debit cards away, take their names off of bank accounts, or do other things to try and restrict spending. You want to stop the narcissist from creating these financial catastrophes or stop them from withholding.
This can be confusing for you and your children when your narcissistic partner blames you for these actions in front of them.
The thing is, if your partner does not treat you as an equal person with equal access to the funds, or if you feel that you have been restricted access to the funds like a child, this is not a healthy relationship.
If your narcissistic partner harasses you about money for hours or even days, if they take money without talking to you about it, if they overspend, use the money to hurt you, control or punish you in any way, refuse to contribute their fair share to the household, if they use manipulation, guilt, or terrorize you to get you to give them money, this is not a healthy relationship.
Our partners are not responsible for taking care of us as adults, and we are not responsible for them. But, still, when we enter into an agreement or a partnership with them, such as a marriage, sharing a home, our finances, they are required to be fair and reasonable. So when they don’t do that, it’s not okay it is abusive.
If you find yourself in this situation, it is financial abuse. It can be challenging to get out.
However, you deserve to be treated as an adult and an equal person in the relationship.
You deserve to feel safe, secure and to be free from bullying, harassment, and being terrorized. You deserve so much better.
Financial Abuse and Trauma are brutal to deal with and leave you feeling trapped and uncertain. Narcissists use this from their abuse ” toolbox” of tactics.
One of the best ways to get yourself out from under the financial abuse you are suffering or have suffered in a toxic relationship is to become “ sovereign “ and by this, I mean make yourself stand in your own power. Find something you can do to monetize what you are good at. I did this and we all have things that can be of service and help others with and make an income. We all have many talents inside. I was able to find out exactly what mine was by doing this and this changing my life in big ways.
Click on this link and see what I did :
https://attwooddigital.samcart.com/referral/s015bNjl/wlL1URfXJGMiXpKF
I am hopeful this will show you what financial abuse looks like, as you might not even be aware of what it is.
Please take care and find my Free Guide here ” 6 Steps to Recover From Narcissistic Abuse” and I am excited to offer my new eBook ” Recover From Narcissistic Abuse”
As always I wish you only the best on your healing journey. If you would like to leave a comment or would like a healing session to reach me can here :
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Please take care and love to you
Debbi
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