Step Four:

Choice Phase

Choose you.

You are tired, your soul is tired and your heart hurts. With your broken heart and the thought in your head that it should not be like this.

Yes, you. It’s time for you to finally choose yourself.

It might be hard for you to believe that there is life after him. After the never-ending arguments and you making excuses for his angry controlling behavior, it is hard to see there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It was not your fault.

You have started thinking about leaving or you might have even got to the point where you are have tried to leave but you might have decided that it’s easier to stay than to deal with his anger, but then again he is always angry. I would describe my narcissistic ex-partner as that- always angry. He had hair-trigger anger but that was not his only problem. He had many other traits like lying, manipulation, controlling behavior, and deception.

Either he wasn’t even looking at me and was absorbed in his own self while talking as though he was the authority on whatever it was he was talking about, making me feel invisible and unimportant. Or it was that ruthless anger while he was trying to show me that I was nothing more than a pawn in his little game.

I am sorry that you had to go through this.

I finally reached the place where I put myself first and this removed his narcissistic supply. I decided to take my love, my kindness, and my life away from him. It was not easy but it was necessary if I was to survive.

I remember how much I loved him and thought I could not live without him. It was as though I had been poisoned and made no sense at the time. I realized later I was trauma bonded to him, but that took time and help to understand. I felt he had somehow saved me and I had found my soulmate.

What he saw in me were all the things he was lacking. He is truly an empty shell as all narcissists are.

He needed to know that he could always have me because the thought of me leaving drove him crazy. He needed power and control over me.

I decided to leave him and from that moment my life changed for the better. It was not easy. It has taken a long time to heal and I am not the same person.

After leaving, spending time with my children, working on myself, and my traumas, I found I was still afraid of raised voices, afraid of arguments, and the way someone will look at me.

I wondered if things would ever be the same in my life as they had been but I discovered they weren’t and that it was okay.

It was the right decision for me to leave and after I left I realized I should have left much sooner. Choosing myself over my abusive partner is putting yourself first.

Try your best not to be hard on yourself and realize that you couldn’t have done anything differently at that time.

After I left I felt so much better but it took some energy healing to heal my deep wounds. I will never again be in the same situation I was in with my narcissistic partner or feel like I was not worthy, smart enough or all the other lies he told me.

I was strong and you are also strong. You have had the strength to get through this abusive situation. It is time to stand up for you and tell yourself that you are more in love with you than this abusive man who is not capable of loving you or anyone.

Choose you because you deserve to be loved and respected.

It may not be the right time to leave for you. But choosing yourself is right. You might not believe a life without him is possible yet. When I left my narcissist partner I begin to find myself again. I had no one telling me what to do, how to think or demean and belittle me. I felt free.

The moment you decide to choose yourself over him and his abuse you will realize that there is nothing holding you back from leaving. He will not change. He does not want to change nor is he capable.

But what is important for you right now is to love yourself and keep on loving yourself by choosing yourself for the rest of your life because you deserve this for you.

I realize many things being in an abusive relationship and one of them was I was worthy of love and respect.

I hope that you will be able to see yourself the way you truly are and not the way he told you that you were.

Choosing yourself is an act of self-love and more powerful than you could have thought.

I know the decision to choose myself was right for me. I have never regretted my decision to leave my partner who is a malignant narcissist. I hope that you choose you over an abusive partner and relationship.

Choose yourself.

If you have decided for whatever reason that you can not leave, or can not leave right now or if you leave and have to continue to still see him because of your children or work obligations choosing you is the next step in your path to healing from an abusive situation. Beginning to have this mindset will help you immensely. It did me.

You deserve love. You deserve respect. You deserve kindness. You deserve to not be abused. You deserve not to be with an abusive partner.

Love to you


Go Here to Read about the next phase of your healing: Phase Five