I am miserable
I couldn’t remember the last time I actually laughed or even smiled for that matter. I know it did not happen overnight but I could not put my finger on exactly when I realized I was miserable. I could not identify exactly how I felt, but I knew something was very wrong.
I had been in a relationship with my partner for years. I had a great job, a beautiful home, two wonderful children, friends, two cats, and a dog I loved. It seemed like I had everything that I wanted in my life, however, I felt incredibly lonely and isolated.
Thinking back to when the relationship with my partner began, what I remember most, is that I felt we had an instant connection. I felt like I had met my soul mate. On our first date, we went to a restaurant and he brought me a pair of earrings. I loved them and it meant so much to me. I mean who brings a gift on your first date but I thought this is what makes him so incredible. I neglected to remember that I paid for a very expensive dinner however.
It wasn’t long before I felt I could not live without him. I felt so special and as though he truly understood me. It was really a very strange feeling that I had not encountered before.
But as time went on, I began to feel less and less special and more and more lonely and sad inside. He would sleep in every single day excpet Sunday, while I got up, got the kids ready for school, even in a snowstorm, and did all the housework. Months went by then years and I started to become aware that something was wrong but I thought it was me. I felt sad and often confused about what was going on in our house.
Gradually, I noticed that I was walking on eggshells in my own home, being careful about what I said or did, in order to prevent an angry outburst from my partner.
I remember him snapping at me and getting angry about what radio station was playing. These “little” episodes began to happen more and more often or perhaps it was that I was catching on. It was subtle or so I thought. In reality, I was affected more and more by his behavior towards me.
I began to feel like I was losing my mind. Things like having a conversation with my partner and having him say later ” I never said that” or ” that never happened” or this one which he said a lot to me” you are just being overly sensitive.” It seemed like my memory was good with everyone else but with him, I had a problem. This was crazy-making stuff for sure.
My world also began to shrink. I rarely had friends or family over and if I did I would be told by my partner afterward ” hey you know they don’t like you or ” they only came over because they felt obligated to” and “there is something wrong with them. Don’t you see it?” I began to doubt myself and started to lose faith in who I even was anymore.
Something that caused me immense pain and unhappiness, which I did not talk about or knew what to do about and was also very strange, was his lack of interest in a sexual relationship with me. He rarely if ever wanted to have sex. Sadly, this led me to believe there was something wrong with me. It slowly began to eat away at me and I felt unattractive and defective. I had never in my life felt this way.
The best way of describing my life was that I felt trapped.
I was consistently saying to myself ” it’s not that bad, my life is not that bad compared to other people, I had a great life.”
I tried to find a solution, a way out of my misery by reading self-help books, keeping myself insanely busy, and scouring the internet for answers on how to stop my feelings of emptiness, sadness, and unhappiness.
This story is the beginning of my healing journey. The realization that not only was something very wrong in my relationship but I had to do something before I lost myself completely.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, have a look at the next phase of my healing, in Phase Two.
And remember you are an amazing and Powerful Warrior. It may feel like you aren’t but you have just temporarily lost your way.
Go to Phase Two