What is Gray Rock? How to Deal with a Narcissist

What is Gray Rock?

Gray rock is a physical act and a mindset, just as traditional no contact is.

It requires cutting off the narcissist mentally just as no contact does. We must make the decision in our minds that the relationship is over and there is no going back, ever. We must prepare ourselves, our minds and then close off the narcissist from having access to us psychologically and emotionally.

This means that even though we must keep communicating with the narcissist, his or her actions will have no effect.

Yet the second part of “gray rock” is different from no contact because instead of then cutting off the narcissist physically (or making sure the narcissist cannot contact you), it involves a change in how you act with the narcissist.

Gray rock generally involves the following:

• neutral delivery
• flat affect
• seeming uninterested and too busy to care what they say
• short responses that provide no irrelevant information
• responding only when they reach out and only when it is necessary to respond (never reach out first unless it is unavoidable)
• making yourself appear less interesting in their presence so that they feel bored 
• providing them with very little attention (no prolonged eye contact, etc.)
• monotone voice

Using Gray Rock to Deal with a Narcissist

Gray rock serves multiple purposes:

• The narcissist will learn not to expect any narcissistic supply from you.
• It helps to protect you
• The narcissist does not get any new information that can allow him or her to take advantage of you.
• It can protect you emotionally from harm in situations where no contact is not possible

What Gray Rock is Not

Gray rock is a tactic that you utilize to protect yourself from the narcissist’s controlling behavior. This means that it is not a response to the narcissist’s actions, nor is it done to try to elicit any response from the narcissist.

1. Gray rock is not disconnecting from your emotions.

Gray rock is not a complete disconnection from how you feel. In fact, the opposite is true. If you feel disconnected from your emotions, that is likely a response to trauma.

Being in touch with your feelings as much as possible so you will be able to actively maintain gray rock in the face of any surprise actions the narcissist might try to get you to break it and react. Of course, this is easier said than done.

2. Gray rock is not punishing the narcissist.

Gray rock is not about the narcissist, just as no contact is not about the narcissist. Gray rock is about you.

You are doing this for you and for your own peace of mind. You are not in any way doing it to control anything the narcissist does. Do not have any expectations that your actions will cause they will stop doing things to trigger, bait or hoover you.

3. Gray rock is not isolating yourself or withdrawing.

If you’re still in love with the narcissist, you may think it is easier to put a wall up completely and shut everyone out in order to keep the narcissist out.

It is sometimes not possible to control our brain and how we respond to trauma. If this has happened and you have isolated yourself from everyone, be kind to yourself and work on getting back out into the world, while trying to figure out how to keep the barrier up constantly with the narcissist.

4. Gray rock is not manipulative

Some people mention that they feel as if they are being cruel when they use gray rock, or that they feel guilty deliberately showing no interest or emotion in what the narcissist does or says.

Also, there are people who begin to wonder if it makes them like the narcissist, who at times refused to talk and acted as cold as ice.

Your behavior, however, when using gray rock is not the same behavior as what the narcissist has done.

It’s all about their motive. Narcissists stonewall, dismiss your feelings, walk out, ignore because they have no empathy and could care less about your feelings or do not want to hear what they view as criticism about themselves. They engage in this behavior to control and punish.

In contrast, you are implementing gray rock only as a last resort, as part of the break-up and leaving the narcissist. The gray rock is your reaction to the way the narcissist behaves to stand up for yourself and set boundaries.

It’s healthy for you because it protects you from an unhealthy person and situation.

This is an example of where the narcissist twists your healthy behavior into something harmful or equivalent to their damaging behavior.

Gray rock is a figurative form of no contact. It is a good solution when you are unable to go no contact immediately or to start to get yourself ready for full no contact, or in situations where traditional no contact is unlikely to ever be possible.

If you find yourself unable to escape from the death grip of the narcissist, gray rock may cause the narcissist to release that grip on you.

When You Can’t Go No Contact

It can feel like you can never get away but this is only temporary.

Of course, going no contact is truly the way to get control of our lives back and yet there are situations where that’s just not possible. Here are a few reasons why you might not be able to break things off with a narcissist even if you may want to. 

1. You Work Together.

If you work with the narcissist, you may fear that they will try to sabotage you when you break it off or they may even start a smear campaign against you. But the knowledge that they might try to destroy your career could be paralyzing.

You might need to get another job and this could take time and would be hard to do without the narcissist finding out. This may be very difficult if you truly love your job. It may be hard to find a job in your field in this current economy or where you live. This may begin to feel like the walls are closing in on you.

2. You Live Together.

If you live with the narcissist and have a life together, whether you’re married or not, you can’t just walk out overnight and leave everything behind. This kind of change takes time to plan and to figure out what to do next. Finding somewhere new to live takes time, not to mention working out the legal details if you own property together or both of you signed a lease. Also, it will all cost money to buy another house or rent an apartment and expenses to move.

3. You Don’t Have the Resources.

You might be completely dependent on the narcissist for survival. They may have isolated you from almost everyone, and you don’t have financial resources. You may be so stressed or even be physically ill due to the chronic abuse you have suffered. You may lack job skills feeling unable or afraid to live on your own. Also, you have very little support available for yourself.

4. You Have Children Together.

The narcissist may decide they don’t want to be a part of the children’s lives, however, as long as the court system has left their parental rights intact, they can always reappear at any time and the other partner has no control over it.

5. There Are Legal Reasons You Have to Be in Contact.

There may be criminal proceedings if the narcissist has assaulted you or possibly civil court issues, such as property division, which is why the two of you need to maintain regular contact. Unfortunately, this could potentially drag out for months or even years.

You may not need to have direct contact, however true no contact, by definition, requires not interacting at all with the narcissist, including catching a glimpse of the narcissist.

As long as a legal tie exists, no contact is not possible.

6. The Narcissist Simply Won’t Leave You Alone.

Maybe you have broken it off, perhaps several times. But the narcissist just won’t stop contacting you and leave you in peace. What do you do when the narcissist tries to hoover you but you have already gone no contact, then are you no contact or not?

The narcissists often use a combination of tactics and circumstances that make it difficult if not impossible for us to go no contact in the traditional sense. They are able to use the law, our access to resources or the things we need to survive to torture us.

This allows them to walk in and out of your life as they please while throwing us off balance and forcing us into reacting as we get more and more desperate.

How Do We Deal with a Narcissist if We Can’t Go No Contact

Having children with the narcissist is the main reason on this list that the inability to go no contact may remain permanent. If you have children with a narcissist, you will likely maintain some type of contact with them which makes no contact impossible.

This situation is the most extreme example of a situation where no contact is not feasible or won’t work.

If you can’t go no contact, the alternative that you can use instead of no contact is “gray rock.” It is emotional no contact as described and gives you control again.

If you find yourself unable to go no contact using ” gray rock” can be the answer you are seeking to begin your freedom from the narcissist who has been keeping you a prisoner from your life.

Love & Light

Debbi