What Is Self-Love?
Self-love grows and expands, allowing you to evolve into the healthiest, happiest, and most empowered version of yourself. The best version of you.
You are worthy and will not allow anyone who is unhealthy for you to be in your life and you have the energy to love and support those who deserve your kindness.
Self-love is being true to yourself.
So in today’s post, I will share why we did not love ourselves, and how narcissistic abuse was the wake-up call for us to finally get to the wonderful place where we truly love ourselves. I also discuss how to start producing love for yourself in all areas of your life.
We Never Would Believe We Would Allow Anyone To Be Treat Us This Way
I remember, before my narcissistic abuse, listening to stories or watching movies such as Gaslight, Sleeping With The Enemy, and Gone Girl depicting people in abusive relationships.
I told myself that this would never happen to me, however, it did.
Things like psychological abuse, demeaning put-downs, pathological lying, controlling behavior, violence, criminal activity, and purposeful stealing of resources had never been how I saw the world.
No one had the perfect childhood, and I certainly didn’t however, I was brought up with high integrity, good values, and taught to always do the right thing. My parents tried their best.
Being constantly lied to, being verbally abused, being gaslighted, psychologically abused, calling police, drama, defending his behavior, having resources taken, having my family not believe me, and lying awake at night fearing for my child having to spend time with him alone, these are all things I never thought I’d be experiencing.
But I did and I still stayed for years. How and why? None of it made any sense to me.
Why had I been able to walk away previously from any man who spoke abusively to me, or spoke disrespectfully to me, yet in this case, I was regularly called names but even worse was the circular crazy-making conversations and his smoldering anger which was always under the surface and could leave me trembling in my shoes waiting for him to snap over me having turned down the radio, change the station or some slight infraction I had done.
Why in this case that was way beyond anything I had tolerated ever, did I still believe I loved this man and he loved me. I thought he was my soul mate and could not live without him.
This is the reason that narcissistic abuse is not normal. It is not like any normal relationship.
The Higher Purpose of Narcissistic Abuse
I believe that relationships are for our growth and expansion in our relationship to self. This is important because you can’t attract a healthy relationship or be in a healthy relationship unless your relationship with yourself is healthy.
Narcissistic relationships take this to a whole other level. Narcissistic abuse is more than just this. It is one of the greatest and highest levels of self-development and spiritual wake-up calls we could ever go through.
This took a while for me to understand what was going on between my narcissistic partner and me.
I was determined to make our relationship work and that all his problems were due to his abusive childhood. I believed that I alone was going to save him, and I could rescue the damaged little boy inside who I thought loved and adored me. I believed my love for him could do it, and that by saving him, our love would save me and this would finally grant me the true soul mate love that had eluded me my entire life.
I mean I had never felt so connected to anyone ever in my life or so I thought.
I felt this powerful connection with him was perfect, even though it took years for me to get through the agonizing pain, and heal, back to my true life lesson to establish my self-love.
This was the perfect time to establish my connection to myself and to start my connection with infinite intelligence. This opportunity was a necessary life requirement because if I hadn’t accepted my soul’s higher plan I know I would never have healed from the toxic narcissistic abuse I had suffered.
Initially, this went against every cell in my body.
Until very recently loving yourself was considered self-absorption, and falling deeply in love with yourself was the original definition of what a narcissist is.
This is the deceptive job our leaders and the world have done of veiling the truth in illusions. Grooming us to not be our true self, diminishing our self-worth, demeaning ourselves, not being in our divine true power, and believing we have no ability or authority to know our truth.
These experts have caused us to hand our power over, to do things that we are told to do, without questioning it or seeing what is actually going on.
If we valued and loved ourselves, which then extends to the ability to genuinely value and love others, we would not allow these levels of abuse for ourselves or each other. We would be awake and we would not be so easily manipulated.
Rather than be encouraged to awaken to our connection to ourselves, we were taught to be dependent, serve, go without, and all sorts of other requirements that did not allow us to listen to or connect to our truth, have personal rights, or follow the calling of our connection to a Higher Power. This has nothing to do with what people have manipulated us to believe.
Often this manipulation is hidden in claims of being obtained from a Higher Power or used with the lures that appeal to our disconnected, fearful state of never being enough ourselves.
Messages like, listen to me and do this, and you will have everything you want, status, money, approval, love, acquisitions, status, sex appeal, love, and attention. Until we realize that is exactly the manipulative hook that the narcissist brings to us for our evolution.
The narcissist presents like this: I am who will save you, your answer, and the answer to every fear and insecurity you had about yourself, life and other people. We unfortunately buy it. I did.
As a child, we had very little choice. As an adult, if we have not yet established a self-connection, we also have very little emotional choice.
If we are not awake to the absolute truth of what this is really about, we believe narcissistic abuse is simply a terrible misfortune, an unfortunate showdown with real-life evil.
When we are asleep to the higher truth, we have no idea that why we are susceptible is this, we have not yet learned how to be authentic to ourselves, and connected to life and our Higher Power.
We didn’t realize that self-love is the first necessary step to create this way of healthy being.
Before We Know the Truth
Before we realize the higher reason why this narcissistic abuse happened to us, our pain becomes all about our resentment, despair, rage, and victimhood. We have no clue as to why we are not getting any better.
I was there, and the bizarre thing was, no matter how many times I hated him, reported to all what a monster he was, I still felt he was not evil and continued to try everything possible to make him get it.
I did not realize the truth of what was happening yet. That took me a long time to figure that out. I did not understand or accept the truth that I was not free and was stuck in a fake life.
We try to make the narcissist love us because we still believe this person is our Source. We haven’t learned that we deserve to fully love ourselves with a direct connection to a Higher Source.
I did not see this in my relationship with my narcissistic partner and the programming that he was my Source. I could not imagine at that time that I had a powerful connection to a Higher Power. I did not believe that I was worthy of such a connection and felt very much alone.
The truth is we were not programmed to know it is imperative. Instead, we were programmed to seek answers outside of ourselves, not seek inner guidance, not trust ourselves but go along with other people’s versions of how our life should be.
In this disconnected state, we remain powerless. The pain doesn’t go away even though we try all kinds of ineffective ways to stop the pain. I tried these useless ways by focusing only on my narcissistic partner and get him to see what he had done was wrong. I thought then I could heal this way which of course, never works.
I would find myself blaming him again and again but this only caused me to feel worse due to the continuous adrenaline and cortisol that flooded my system. I still used ineffective distractions to avoid facing my past traumas and healing them.
I wasn’t getting it and I wasn’t growing but more I was on a path of self-destruction.
Grasping the Truth
He was not stopping the abuse and I was still hooked in until one day everything seemed to fall apart. This was when I realized something very important.
I knew the entire journey I had gone on with narcissistic abuse was for the Higher Purpose of showing me my disconnection from myself.
I knew that my growth and expansion were the most important reason I was here on this earth and choosing to have a life experience.
I was a spiritual person and I had always believed in a Higher Power but I’d never really understood what it was to truly be connected with this Higher Power.
I hadn’t realized until then that this Higher Power was my partner, and to partner with this Higher Power meant I needed to see myself as this Higher Power saw me, as good enough, as loveable, as worthy, and as acceptable. This required fully self-partnering myself.
I had not realized connecting to the Higher Power that I was unconditionally loved and supported by this Higher Power which required finally accepting and loving myself first.
I finally did realize and when I did the narcissist became unnecessary. It wasn’t about him, it was all about me. He was only a symptom that showed up on my path.
I realized the ways I thought about myself which I was unaware of, beliefs like, I was not good enough, I had to be perfect, and I was not worthy, these ways I spoke to myself were identical to the way the narcissist spoke and treated me.
I realized the harsh conditional love I treated myself with, was exactly the relentless conditional demands I experienced with the narcissist. I realized the lack of time spent getting to deeply know, soothe, connect, heal or build love with myself completely matched the absolute emotional abandonment and crazy allegations I experienced with the narcissist which had me screaming at him so many times “You have no idea who I am!” I did not even know who I was either, anymore.
It didn’t matter which realization exploded up into my awareness one after the other, it all led to the same truth, people can only treat me, connect to me and love me, at the level I treat, connect to and love myself. This means I could be very awful to myself.
And why are we so awful to ourselves? The answer is simple because our world and role models have taught us that we are the last person we should give our love, devotion, and attention to.
This journey taught me profoundly how completely messed up that is.
Recovery in the Truth
The truth began to set me free so that the narcissist became unimportant.
This does not mean that memories of pain, fear, and anguish weren’t triggered, that thoughts of him didn’t flood into my mind, or that I wasn’t still having uncontrollable needy, frightening, panicked feelings of addiction to him. I certainly was.
These feelings, however, weren’t to do with him, they were to do with me.
He was only my manifestation and it wasn’t like I just knew that truth and that was enough. That alone doesn’t deliver you to the other side.
It’s all about the need to self-partner, which means getting inside ourselves and doing the work. This means dissolving every false limiting belief we have had about ourselves, about our connection to our Higher Power, about life and others, that caused us to be disconnected from the Higher Power.
All of these painful charges about him were only the symptom. The deeper reasons going on inside my body, inside my subconscious programming, that needed my attention and love.
This was about my relationship with myself, my painful beliefs, my previous childhood wounds, misconceptions, and emotional decisions which had been sabotaging my ability to fully accept and love myself and to know that I was worthy of unconditional acceptance and love from my Higher Power.
This was all about my worthiness without having to earn it, rather, being able to receive and experience it simply because I existed.
Because only then could I be authentic.
I knew that was the gift, the coming home on this journey, and I knew it was obtainable.
I did not always feel not good enough, not worthy and I was hiding these inner wounds.
I hadn’t realized that being whole was a state that I could just be without all this faulty painful inner programming that I had been conditioned with as a child, inherited from previous generations, and absorbed from the world I lived in.
Like many of us, I had been previously asleep because when we are disconnected from ourselves and we are not even aware of it. We aren’t aware because we have been programmed since a very young child and this was our normal.
Disconnection from ourselves may seem normal but it’s not natural. Through this not-natural disconnection, narcissistic abuse shows up to reflect to us where we are with ourselves so that we can know that lack of self-love and self-acceptance is not the life we are supposed to live.
That’s the journey. It’s all about coming home to self-love.
What Self-Love Looks Like After Narcissistic Abuse
Self-love started with a total dedication to myself, with the first step as cleaning out the agonizing, screaming emotional wounds in my body.
Until this journey, I had not realized how important the connection to my body was. I thought it was all going on in my head but I learned it wasn’t. I realized that the thoughts in my head were a result of my inner wounds, and if I addressed my inner wounds then the thoughts and programming in my head would change and they did.
My body was traumatized by emotional triggers, fears, and dread of living. All of these emotions related to painful inner beliefs, ones I had always carried which had been fully activated and brought into consciousness as a result of being narcissistically abused.
I began by spending my time on myself and finding a way to shift these wounds out. This was the beginning of self-partnering.
The more I self-partnered in this way, the more space opened up inside me, and I was able to bring into these opened-up spaces a connection to my Higher Power.
I was being released from my past self and was starting to evolve to a level of feelings and being that I had never had access to before. I was filling with love and raise my consciousness. The more I was on the love frequency, the more I wanted to love myself.
I stopped polluting my emotions with condemning thoughts. I stopped holding other people responsible for my well-being and life and began to tap into my own Higher Power for guidance.
My self-loathing, my self demands for perfection, and conditional self-love ceased to exist.
I started to get healthy again, eating good nutrition, meditation, and hanging out with positive people. I began to get my confidence back and start to do things I was interested in pursuing.
I began to attend therapy with someone who helped me to see how I was in an abusive relationship and changed my beliefs even more. I also continued to develop my love relationship with myself.
As I worked hard at transforming into my true self, I became so happy with my evolvement and receiving constant feedback from the Universe that what I was doing was working in incredible ways.
I began to do more intense work on my limiting beliefs and began to heal. I started to experience life in a way I had not ever experienced.
This Is What Self-Love Looks Like After Narcissistic Abuse.
When we self-partner at the inner level the outer starts unfolding. When we look after our consciousness, which means transcending our previous wounded state, the rest follows.
This was the true purpose of living, I realized.
None of this would have been possible if I hadn’t had the massive wake-up call of narcissistic abuse, and none of this would have been possible if I had not started the journey inwards. The inside work to create self-love.
I hope this post resonates with you.
Please feel free to leave a comment or question. If you would like to heal from narcissistic abuse, let me know. I offer a free 30-minute consultation to see if you are ready to be free and live your life as you are meant to, happy, and whole.