Knowing Phase

 

We are often targeted by narcissists because we are everything they are not.

We have the ability to feel true joy, deep sadness or inner peace and they feel nothing inside. They are empty vessels and want to live through us. I had to rise above the stranglehold on me from my toxic partner.  I am not a victim, I am a survivor, a warrior and you can be too.

At this time in my life, I knew there was something very wrong, to be precise, very wrong with my partner.

I had followed some of the advice I found in some of the many self-help books I had read on relationships and after a year of working on myself in therapy, I knew I was with an abusive partner and he was a narcissist.

He has most of the traits of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder but this man is a malignant narcissist. I learned, much later on, he has the traits of an antisocial personality disorder as well, which makes him even more dangerous.

I was learning about who he was and I found it very hard to accept and understand. As I became more aware of the traits and characteristics of toxic people, I was indeed heartbroken. I learned about characteristics in a narcissist that sent off red flags, even at the very beginning of the relationship which I am sad to say I ignored. I was confused both by his behaviors and by my reactions to them.

I felt empty, broken and hopeless about my situation. I often woke up feeling a constant ache in my heart which felt like it was eating away at my soul. I tried my best to spend the day enjoying my children or my work and keep my thoughts free from painful topics—only to find that my mind kept racing back to them. My memories, that once brought me so much joy now made me feel sick. I felt sad and anxious and angry, I hurt period.

I knew these horrible feelings showed me he had uprooted my life, introducing a new kind of anxiety that I had never felt before.

Every day was unbearable and painful at this point. I realized that I was constantly on edge most of the time and I felt unhinged, worrying constantly and knowing life as I knew it was going to end.

It took me a year to fully understand where my pain was coming from and even after I had identified clearly the cause of my pain, this was only the next step in my healing journey. I was grieving the loss of the relationship I had with this man but in reality, I was grieving from the fake relationship I had with my fake partner.

This step in your healing journey is painful but a necessary step on your path to healing.

Go to Step Four to read about your next step on your journey.

Love to you

Debbi

Go here: Step Four