It is said that the truth will set us free, and it will, eventually, but it may hurt like hell getting there.

I can say that living with a narcissist is a nightmare. Still, when we finally realize that we are in a relationship with a narcissist, this is the beginning of our healing process. 

Is it worth it to get out and away from this nasty abusive person and relationship? 

Absolutely. I can say this since I have been there, and believe me, it is. 

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can bring uncomfortable and painful experiences. 

Like when we’re little and learn that tooth fairy isn’t real, our bubble of naivety and innocence is blown up as the truth moves toward us like a runaway train with us being right on the tracks.

We were unable to see the truth and the whole picture since narcissists use such things as lying but not just a little lie now and then but lying about everything most of the time and crazy-making gaslighting for those of us on the receiving end.

 Unfortunately, if we remain stuck in our fantasies about the narcissist in our lives, we risk remaining stuck in the relationship and our pain.

What may help us get to our eventual freedom is to see the narcissist in our lives as a teacher of sorts. 

Of course, this is a highly nasty and screwed-up teacher, but a teacher nonetheless who brings us experiences to go through. 

This way, once our eyes open to the truth about narcissists.

Think of the lessons a narcissist brings as messages from your future self who is waiting ahead and hoping that this time will be different. 

This time you’re going to not only pass this class from hell, but you’re going to pass with flying colors. You will learn what you need to from this experience and apply what you have learned so never find yourself with a narcissist again.

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.”

Pema Chodron

What Narcissists Teach Us

#1-“Not everyone is at a high vibration.”

My biggest mistake, the one that got me into a whole lot of trouble with a malignant narcissist, was that I believed all people were inherently good. 

I saw the good in everyone. 

I thought all people had a conscience, felt remorse, and wouldn’t intentionally hurt someone else. Unfortunately, this thinking ended up being the main reason why I stuck around for years of abuse. 

I did not believe that someone I trusted, loved, and had devoted myself to would intentionally cause me pain. But, if I looked at the past logically, such as how the man I loved would repeat words and behaviors that he knew hurt me, usually with a smirk on his face, I could see the truth.

I had to face the brutal truth that he knew exactly what he was doing. My pain was his pleasure. It was evil that I was seeing.

What To Learn:

It would be wonderful to imagine a world where everyone is good, as are their intention. This is certainly something I intend for humanity very frequently.

However, some of humanity is not yet at this level of consciousness. In the past, my belief that everyone was good only opened me up to heartbreak.

Even if the goodness in the world is given to the narcissist, that still won’t stop them from sucking the life from anyone they can, including you. This is how they get their narcissistic supply.

This does not mean you can not set intentions that the world is good, joyful, peaceful, and loving. 

#2-“Some people cannot change.”

Narcissists do not want to change, and they think they are right about everything.  Everyone else is wrong. 

Everyone else is the problem. They are resistant to therapy or couples’ counseling (warning: do not ever go to counseling with a narcissist; instead, get private counseling for yourself). Counseling will never work with a narcissist. It is a nightmare.

Narcissists know exactly what they’re doing and that they’re causing you pain, which is why their behavior gets worse over time. Especially if they’ve “hoovered” you back into their web, then they do not need to change because they’ve got you when you came back for more.

What to learn: 

Believe a narcissist when they’re showing you who they are. It’s not that they can’t change. They don’t want to. If they do change, it will not be for the better.

#3-“Love won’t save the day.”

The worse my former partner got, the harder I tried to understand and love him. But, unfortunately, I bought into the fairytale we’re sold by society that love would permanently save the day in the end. Love is the answer to healing but this does not work in a narcissistic relationship. Trying to love a narcissist harder to make them treat you better is a futile task that only ends in your heartbreak. 

In an abusive relationship, love is not present since it cannot coexist with abuse. Also, a narcissist is incapable of loving you since they can’t love anyone, including themselves.

What to learn: 

Take all that love you have inside you and get as far away from the narcissist as possible to protect it. This way, you don’t need love to save the day because you will keep it yourself.

#4-“Not all parents love their children.”

My ex-partner is a malignant narcissist who was and is deceitful, malicious, and cruel. I spent years of my life trying to make our relationship work, get him to love me. None of this worked. 

He didn’t love his sister, his close friends, or me because where abuse is love can’t. Once I became a parent myself, the painful truth hit me like a cement truck when I couldn’t understand doing any number of things to my children that my ex did to me. 

This isn’t a matter of “he just doesn’t know how to show love” or “he loves you deep down.” My ex made consistent choices to cause our family and the children pain, and he knew exactly what he was doing. 

It wasn’t until I saw him for who he was that I could set myself free and release the shame I carried that somehow, I was unlovable, and this was all my fault. 

The truth is, most parents love their children. But not all. My ex is incapable of love, including his inability to love the children.

What to learn: 

If you share children with a narcissist, it’s crucial to see the narcissist for who they are so that you can show up for your kids in the best way. They need you to be the safe one in their lives. 

Narcissists will use their children as tools to punish you or as props to paint themselves as the perfect parent, without thinking of the damage they’re doing. 

If they are a malignant narcissist, it can be much worse and even dangerous for the children. 

If you have a narcissistic partner, it’s time to release that self-blame you’ve been holding. Just because a narcissist is incapable of love doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. 

So give that blame back to the person it belongs. But, more importantly, give yourself all the love you deserve, through no fault of yours you didn’t get from them, and then you can give it to your children.

#5-“We are worthy.”

Narcissists condition us to be invisible and to disappear. They build us up at the beginning of the relationship with their “love-bombing” plans to tear us down eventually. They convince us we’re not worthy of anything better. They separate us from our intuition, our connection to our higher self, to place themselves as the expert on who we are.

What to learn: 

A narcissist chose you because of all the beautiful qualities you have that they do not have, such as your ability to love, the strength you have, the compassion, and the resilience. 

Narcissists choose good people. Now it’s up to us to see the truth for what it is.

And the truth is, you deserve so much more than what narcissists have to offer.

This is some of what Narcissistic Abuse can teach us. Being with a narcissist is a painful experience but when we become aware of what is going on and take the steps to leave and heal you and your life will be forever changed.

I hope this helps you on your journey to healing from narcissistic abuse. 

Ready to heal yet? Have some questions or comments?

Please send me a DM or email me. I would love to talk to you. I help people heal permanently using some powerful healing modalities. I can also help you.

Love to you

Debbi