What Narcissists Teach Us

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It is said that the truth will set us free and it will, eventually, but it may hurt like hell getting there.

Living with a narcissist is a living nightmare but when we finally realize that we are in a relationship with a narcissist then we heal from it,Is it worth it to get out and away from this nasty abusive person and relationship? Absolutely. I have been there and believe me it is. 

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can bring uncomfortable and painful lessons. Like when we’re little and learn that tooth fairy isn’t real, our bubble of naivety and innocence is blown up as the truth moves toward us like a runaway train with us being right on the tracks.

Since narcissists use such tools as lying but not just a little lie now and then but lying about everything most of the time and gaslighting known as the “crazy-makers” for those of us on the receiving end, we who are targets risk losing who we are if unable to see the bigger picture for what it is. Unfortunately, if we remain stuck in our fantasies about the narcissist in our lives, we also risk remaining stuck in our pain.

What may help us get to our eventual freedom is to see the narcissist in our lives as a teacher of sorts. Of course, this is an extremely nasty and screwed-up teacher, but a teacher nonetheless who has lessons for us to learn. This way, once our eyes are opened to the truth about narcissists, we can move forward with those lessons found deep within our being so that we’ll avoid having to repeat the same lesson over and over again in the future until we learn it.

Think of the lessons a narcissist brings as warnings, as messages from your future self who is waiting up ahead and hoping that this time will be different. This time you’re going to not only pass this class from hell, but you’re going to pass with flying colors. You will learn this lesson so that you can apply what you have learned in the future and never find yourself with a narcissist again

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.”

Pema Chodron

What narcissists teach us.

Not everyone is good.

My biggest mistake, the one that got me into a whole lot of trouble with a malignant narcissist was that I believed all people were inherently good. I saw the good in everyone. I thought all people had a conscience, felt remorse, and wouldn’t intentionally hurt someone else. This ended up being the main reason why I stuck around for years of abuse. I did not believe that someone I trusted and loved and had devoted myself to would intentionally cause me pain. But, when I looked at the past logically, such as how the man I loved would repeat words and behaviors that he knew hurt me, and usually with a smirk on his face, I had to face the brutal truth that he knew exactly what he was doing. My pain was his pleasure. I knew evil when I saw it.

Lesson to learn: 

It would be wonderful to imagine a world where everyone is good, as are their intentions. However, the world is not yet this evolved, and believing this is opening up yourself to heartbreak and even danger. Think of a narcissist like a vampire. You can wish all the goodness in the world onto them, that still won’t stop them from sucking the life from you. This does not mean you can not set intentions for yourself that the world is a good, joyful, peaceful loving place. Wishes or not the same as intentions.

Your goodness will not fix someone else’s badness.

As females, we are known for trying to “fix” those we love. Though this comes from a good place, we are inevitably not accepting someone else for who they are, which puts us at risk to be disappointed, hurt, and let down many times over. We are not narcissists and we project our goodness onto them, believing they are the same as us. This is extremely dangerous to do with a narcissist because we end up essentially enabling them to continue their abuse.

Lesson to learn: 

Your goodness is essential to who you are. Appreciate that, but don’t confuse it with helping a narcissist. It is not your job to fix anyone.

Some people cannot change.

Narcissists do not want to change and they think they are right about everything. Everyone else is wrong. Everyone else is the problem. They are resistant to going to therapy or couples’ counseling (warning: do not ever go to counseling with a narcissist; instead get private counseling for yourself). Narcissists know exactly what they’re doing and that they’re causing you pain, which is why their behavior gets worse over time. Especially if they’ve “hoovered” you back into their web, then they have no need to change because they’ve got you when you came back for more.

Lesson to learn: 

Believe a narcissist when they’re showing you who they are. It’s not that they can’t change, they just don’t want to. If they do change it will only be for the worst.

Love won’t save the day.

The worse my former partner got, the harder I tried to understand and love him. I bought into the fairytale we’re sold by society that love would always save the day in the end. Perhaps in a healthy relationship that is narcissist-free, love could be what is needed to heal all wounds. However, trying to love a narcissist harder in the effort to make them treat you better is a futile task that only ends in your heartbreak. The reason is that in an abusive relationship, love is not present since it cannot coexist with abuse. Also, a narcissist is incapable of loving you since they can’t love anyone including themselves.

Lesson to learn: 

Take all that love you have inside of you and get as far away from the narcissist as possible to protect it. This way, you don’t need love to save the day because you’re going to save it yourself.

Not all parents love their children.

My ex-partner was and is a malignant narcissist who was and is deceitful, malicious, and cruel. I spent years of my life trying to make our relationship work, get him to love me, none of this worked. He didn’t love his sister, his close friends, or me because where abuse thrives, love can’t live. Once I became a parent myself, the painful truth hit me like a cement truck when I couldn’t understand doing any number of things to my children that my ex did to me. This isn’t a matter of “he just doesn’t know how to show it” or “he loves you deep down.” My ex made consistent choices to cause our family and the children pain and he knew exactly what he was doing. It wasn’t until I saw him for who he was that I was able to set myself free and release the shame I carried that somehow, I was simply unlovable and this was all my fault. The truth is, most parents love their children. But not all. My ex is incapable of love including his inability to love the children.

Lesson to learn: 

If you share children with a narcissist, it’s crucial to see the narcissist for who they are so that you can show up for your kids in the best way, who are going to need you to be the safe one in their lives. Narcissists will use their children as tools to punish you, or as props to paint themselves as the perfect parent, without an ounce of care of the damage they’re doing. If they are a malignant narcissist it can be much worse and even dangerous for the children. If you have a narcissistic partner, it’s time to release that self-blame you’ve been holding onto. Just because a narcissist is incapable of love doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. So give that blame back to the person it belongs to. More importantly give yourself all the love you deserve, through no fault of yours you didn’t get from them, and then you can give it to your children.

We are worthy.

Narcissists condition us to be invisible and to disappear. They build us up at the beginning of the relationship with their “love-bombing” with plans to eventually tear us down. They convince us we’re not worthy of anything better. They separate us from our intuition, our connection to our higher self, to place themselves as the expert on who we are.

Lesson to learn: 

A narcissist chose you because of all the wonderful qualities you have that they do not have, such as your ability to love, the strength you have, compassion, and resilience. Narcissists choose people who are good people. Now it’s up to us to see the truth for what it is.

And the truth is, you deserve so much more than what narcissists have to offer.

Lessons learned.

Ready to heal yet? Have some questions or comments? Send me a DM.

Love to you

Debbi

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