Suffering From Narcissistic Abuse? 8 Signs To Know You Are

I was in an abusive relationship for years. I did not know or realize this for years. Here is a video that you might find helpful which gives you 8 signs that can indicate to you that you are involved in an abusive relationship. If you would like to read the script, it is below the video.
Like me, you may not be sure whether or not you are suffering from narcissistic abuse in your relationship. You are not alone, I was in the same boat. I had no clue I was even in an abusive relationship for many years.
This is apparently very common and the confusion and cognitive dissonance (a mental conflict that occurs when a person’s behaviors and beliefs do not align) that goes with abuse can have a lot to do with this.
Here are eight signs which I would have appreciated reading when I was trying to understand what was wrong in my life. They will give you a good idea of whether you are suffering from narcissistic abuse. You will become clear on whether you are suffering from narcissistic abuse but also know where to go from here.
I did not realize I was experiencing narcissistic abuse. You may not either if this is your first time dealing with a narcissist, by the time you become aware of these eight signs, things are already serious. Unfortunately, if you don’t get clarity and start making changes to protect yourself, it’s going to get much worse. It did for me.
For those of you who are going through abuse again or if you suffered abuse during your childhood, it will help to look at your relationship and see if you are in an abusive relationship. The first step on my path to healing was to learn, as I did, what a toxic relationship actually looks like.
I am hopeful that you become aware of and find solutions that empower you so that you can get out of a narcissistic relationship. You will learn about any narcissist in your life – all the signs apply to any toxic relationship such as a partner, family member, co-worker, neighbor, friend or anyone actually.
1: Your Relationship Is Not Caring, Sane or Kind

It is important to be clear. Abusive relationships can be very confusing. This happens because an abusive person will never be accountable, will blame you and spin it back on you. Everything that is wrong or will be wrong is your fault, never theirs.
If someone hurts you and is not capable of remorse and you continue to be with this person, they will continue to hurt you. They will never say they are sorry, and of course, their behavior will not change. This was my narcissistic partner.
I needed to understand what inappropriate behavior was. It ranged I discovered from name-calling to physical abuse; lying, pathological and emotional abuse; to having no regard for the people you care about or anything that belongs to you.
If you are in a relationship with a person who repeats these inappropriate and out-of-bound behaviors that are hurtful and violating, first of all know our Inner Being always records this within.
If this person :
- makes no apologies or false apologies
- blames you for the problems
- has little care or no respect for your feelings
- even smears you to others by telling them you are a bad person
- and claims they are the victims and it is them who is the one being abused
Then he is most likely a narcissistic and means you are being abused.
Bottom Line
People are who they are and we are not going to change them. People either have a decent character or they don’t. We are the ones who need to make a change for us to have any chance of a loving, healthy and happy life.
This means letting go of any connection to someone like this, healing ourselves by doing the inner work, and getting very clear about our own self-worth, self-love, boundaries and how to build healthy, loving, responsible and real, relationships in the future.
A person who has these traits and characteristics like this simply does not have the resources to give us this – but we absolutely can.
Here is the second sign that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse.
2: You Are Dealing With Immature Behaviour and Give Up Pieces of Yourself To Comply

One of the hallmarks of narcissistic relationships is this person gets hell-bent out of shape on hair-line triggers that mature adults usually don’t get upset about. This was a behavior I saw frequently in my narcissistic partner. He could go off about absolutely nothing anytime but always behind closed doors.
They believe they should have preferential treatment and are even entitled, and can be demanding, punishing, nasty, and even volatile if they don’t receive it. He would even get angry with me if I did not look at him when he was talking.
I found out that there were certain things I just couldn’t normally talk about or it would lead to an argument. He always had to be right and have his own way. I tried doing things outside of my comfort zone and my values to stop this happening, but it did not.
If I had listened to my Inner Self I might have seen what was happening in our relationship but I just wanted peace and thought if I could just make him happy all would be well in our lives, but I was walking on eggshells most of the time just trying to survive.
Bottom Line
Nothing worked and it didn’t matter what shape I twisted myself into, he was still not happy. Nothing I did could ever make him happy, and it was not actually my job to make him happy.
Your true purpose is to align with the truth of your soul and then you will serve others and life in healthy and holistic ways. Not only are you being destroyed but you are also hurting everyone who cares about you, by staying with an abusive person like this. By staying with them and trying to please them and, you are allowing and in fact, enabling this person to continue being an abuser.
3: You Are Confused, Angry, and Are Behaving In Ways That You Normally Don’t

I believe a good indication that you are being narcissistically abused is seeing the inconsistency with how you feel when you are with this person compared to other people.
I found in all my other relationships, I could listen, have empathy, have integrity, was capable of having normal and sane conversations, as well as I, got along with them, and yet there is this one person who brings out the worst in me.
My boundaries were being violated and the usual modes of human operations were not operating.
The crazy-making circular arguments we would have made my head spin because we go around and around on unrelated topics and points that make no sense. I literally thought I was going mad. This was one of the tactics that my narcissistic partner used when he was confronted, or he would argue with me in order to manipulate me.
Abusive people:
- constantly making excuses for their behavior
- repeatedly minimizing an incident altogether
- accusing everyone else of wrongdoing
- change subjects during conversations to confuse you with trivia or antics to take you off the subject
- use non-existent allies, to back up their argument
- bring up all kinds of past behavior you have done to justify their abusive behaviors
- claim your accusations are “disloyal “
- state you are ” crazy ” and therefore all your observations about them are not credible
There is of course much much more but this gives you the idea. I felt like I was constantly dodging his abuse and the pain, trauma, and frustration is beyond intense.
Bottom Line
This is super important – if you are enmeshed with a sick person you will get sick.
If you are experiencing this type of behavior in your relationship, it is time to pull away, leave and heal. You may not be aware, but what you are doing is giving this person what they want – the significance and drama of knowing they can pull you in and affect you so much. This is called Narcissistic Supply. You need to cut this relationship off to have any chance of getting your life and soul back.
4: You Find Yourself Trying To Prove That You Are A Good Person

Because the narcissist is regularly accusing you of all the things that they are and do, such using people for your own gain, making it all about you, lacking integrity and love for people, etc., naturally you will be confused and very angry trying extremely hard to prove and convince them differently.
I remember feeling dismayed even shocked at the allegations regarding things that I didn’t do and wasn’t even capable of doing, which, is as you know what the narcissist does.
Bottom Line
The other way that narcissists can hook us in is to have us believe that our well-being, safety, character, and integrity is dependent on what other people think of us, making us very susceptible to this narcissistic behavior.
To truly heal we need to completely detach from other people who have warped versions of us and then heal from within to get to the solid place of knowing, our true authentic version of ourselves is vital. And when we are true to our authentic self, our healthy self will follow and unhealthy will not.
5: You Are Mopping Up the Messes

Being connected with a narcissist has lots of nasty edges, drama, and usually means that some mess is looming on the horizon.
Narcissists usually aren’t good with sensitivity or accountability. They are always on the lookout for narcissistic supply and don’t care about ‘doing the right thing’. This makes all kinds of things show up as a result of the narcissist’s non-accountable and unacceptable behavior, and which is always someone else’s fault.
Unfortunately, if you are connected with a narcissist, it is common that you will be sorting out their crap and dramas, paying their fines, (my narcissistic partner had thousands of dollars in overdue parking tickets) and even covering for them to cover their tracks.
Bottom Line
This is typical behavior for a narcissist and what happens when responsible, sensible, and well-meaning people have them in their lives.
Know that when they have sucked out all your resources you will be discarded and the narcissist will then find another to suck dry.
One of the greatest gifts of our recovery from the narcissist abuse, when we walk away from these abusive people is we learn how to be responsible for ourselves. People come into our lives who take responsibility, and we stop people who don’t.
We won’t find ourselves having to constantly clean up after we walk away, heal and re-start our life.
6 :Your Boundaries Are Being Disintegrated

It is very difficult to stand up for yourself or hold boundaries in a narcissistic relationship. And when you attempt to do so there are negative consequences, you are punished, criticized, rejected and abandoned.
I gradually changed my behavior by giving up trying to assert my needs in an attempt to reduce the chaos and trauma that happened when I did.
I went from feelings of despair, helplessness, and powerlessness while trying to beg for my boundaries to be respected. Of course, my narcissist partner had zero empathy for me and this did not happen which caused me to feel even more helpless.
Bottom Line
We are easy targets for narcissists if we have poor boundaries but when we get away from them and start to heal and recover who we really are, our True Self, we will be able to set healthy boundaries again.
It isn’t about other people invading our boundaries it is about us knowing our truth, our values, and limits and if someone can’t respect that they can’t be a part of our lives period.
7: You Feel Disjointed and Unhinged

There is a strange addiction that happens with narcissists called trauma- bonding. There are many reasons why this happens.
So before you understand what is going on with you physiologically – meaning within the cells in your literal body, which is hijacking 95% of your feelings, thoughts and your nervous system – you may obsess and feel almost manic, unable to stop yourself from trying to contact or hook back up with the narcissist, even though you know how much you continually get hurt by doing so.
It can be horrifying for us to see how addicted we are to someone who treats us so terribly. It makes no sense.
It is literally ten times harder to ” get off ” a narcissist than heroin. After going through the horrifying narcissistic addiction myself, which caused unbelievable pain and suffering, I can see what they mean.
Bottom Line
It is, of course, a very serious situation when it gets to the stage where we simply can’t talk ourselves out of doing things that we know are putting ourselves back into the fire to get burnt yet again.
Deep inner healing in our subconscious mind and on other levels of our being is necessary to start shifting out the trauma and to be able to be one with our Inner Being,
8: You Are Suffering Abuse Symptoms

Things are now very serious. You no doubt know this. When our emotional Inner Being has been screaming out for our attention and we have paid attention and have not as yet pulled away. We need to turn inwards in order to heal and tend to our own soul, then we physically start to break down for our soul to wake us up and fully get our attention.
I felt unhappy and sad most of the time. It is common to feel symptoms of anxiety and depression, and even greater issues like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, adrenal issues, chronic fatigue syndrome, and even agoraphobia, start to develop. You might lose interest in the people, activities, and looking after yourself, which used to give you energy, as the abusive person in your life takes up more and more of your focus and energy.
As we get stripped away more and more of our energy, power, and attention only to become less and less, the pain and shame become so overwhelming that we may start hiding out from the world, covering up, making excuses, lying to people, and making us feel even more isolated in our traumatic symptoms and feelings.
Bottom Line
How bad does it have to get before we wake up to the truth? I know of someone who tried to kill herself because of the abuse she was suffering yet she still went back to her abusive partner after she was let out of the hospital.
If we stay things get worse. And if we leave and don’t attend to our inner healing, things get worse. It seems to be a no-win situation but it is not.
Initially, I believed I gave up a lot by leaving the narcissistic at the time but what I came to realize that it allowed me to finally turn inwards giving me my greatest gains so once again I could be complete and whole.
WE can be in control of our choices and have the power to look after ourselves and create a truly happy, loving and healthy life.
In Conclusion
So, everyone is not a narcissist, there are people who have anger issues or are selfish or clueless but they are not a malignant narcissist. There are also varying degrees of narcissism- a spectrum of symptoms from mild to extreme.
If someone in your life does not share your values and beliefs and doesn’t care about your feelings, then this is not a healthy relationship for you. Our job is not to change anyone else, it is to take care of our own self and our own needs and pull away, saying to them and ourselves ” this is who I am and what I need to continue in this relationship.”
The person then either steps up, because they wish to change, work on themselves and the relationship and meet us there or don’t – and if they don’t, we need to love ourselves enough, regardless of who they are, to let them have their version of life for themselves – even if it feels impossibly hard and is not what we want.
But the real question is: Are YOU whole and complete enough to walk away if they are not willing or able to be the person who treats you with respect, dignity and the love you deserve.

You can heal from your past trauma and abuse and step into your true self. Gain your power and confidence back regardless of what other people are doing or not doing.
I have decided to dedicate my life to helping others heal from abuse as I have done myself, healing with inner work. It is hard to understand abuse at first and it is hard to take the steps to heal and free yourself from your past for good.
Have a look at my Step by Step Guide to finally heal from the narcissistic abuse. Reach out to me, even if it is just to say hello. You are not alone.
Love
Debbi