What I learned About How Narcissists Argue

Here you will find a video and script to help you learn about what abuse is in a narcissistic relationship. Here I explain why I thought I was going crazy when I was pulled into arguments that were very frequent in my toxic relationship with my malignant narcissist partner. What I learned was there was no resolution due to his abusive thinking about verbal conflict. His outlook made it impossible for an argument to proceed toward anything other than his selfish own desires or it would go nowhere. If you would like to read the script please find it below this video.
I used to think that each of the arguments I had with my narcissistic abusive partner was unique and started in many different ways but would end in only four or five endings, all of which were bad. What I have since figured out is that he used the same tactics in these arguments over and over again and I could see the same features in most of these arguments.
What I learned was there was no resolution due to his abusive thinking about verbal conflict. His outlook made it impossible for an argument to proceed toward anything other than his selfish own desires or it would go nowhere.
4 Features of Arguments that stood out with my narcissistic partner
1-I was always wrong.
He believed emphatically that he was always right and I was wrong. It was futile to even argue any point with him because of his belief that he is knew everything, was actually the authority on most things and had more knowledge about so much more than I.
He could argue any point with deep conviction and emotion without raising his voice and with a voice like a razor’s edge.
He would say most malicious things then ask ” why are you so upset? ” usually with a sneer and I would feel as though I had lost my mind.
It was impossible to have any conversation with him. and eventually, I learned it was smarter to not try but then he would argue with me about not talking to him or that I was ignoring him.
Even if f I could actually prove I was right in one of our conversations he would try his best to contradict me or even make something up and lie, go completely off topic and if that did not work he would adopt my ideas claiming they were his, to begin with.
2-He only wanted to win
My narcissistic partner had no desire to be open to my different idea, desires, or understand my opinions. He had no interest and could care less about finding a mutual and beneficial solution to the issue we were discussing.
Under this layer of needing to win at all costs, there is often another deeper level where he had an attitude that the whole relationship is a war. He being the dominator and me being the submitter, he the winner and me the loser. He was incapable of seeing things differently.
3-He had many control tactics to pick from to use in our conflicts:
- distorting what I said
- accusing me of doing what he did or thinking the way he did
- sarcasm
- interrupting
- laughing out loud at my perspective or opinion
- ridicule
- changing the subject when he is confronted
- refusing to respond or pretending he was not listening
- using a tone of absolute and final authority
- provoking guilt
- turning your grievances and concerns against you
- changing the subject back to his grievances
- mimicking
- rolling his eyes, smirking, contemptuous facial expressions
- refusing to respond
- harsh, underserved or frequent criticisms
- yelling
- name-calling, put-downs, insults
- walking out of the room
- walking towards me in an intimidating way
- blocking the way out of the room
He would use many of these tactics over and over again in our “conversations” or arguments that were very frequent.
His goal was to discredit my perspective, especially whatever I was upset about, and turn whatever it was back on me. He would tell me things like this:
” you are too sensitive”
” you take things the wrong way”
” I was just joking”
“that is not what I said.”
” you hate being wrong”
These tactics were all said strategically so as to avoid having to think seriously about my grievance as he might be obligated to change his attitude or behavior.
The goal of my narcissistic partner in any of the heated arguments was to get me to stop thinking for myself and to make me be quiet. Most of these tactics were to silence and discredit me.
4-He wants his way and he will get it one way or another.
The bottom line with my narcissistic partner or any abusive partner in an argument is they want what they want- always and he feels he has a right to it.
I hope by pointing out the tactics my abusive partner used with me, it may open your eyes to what is happening in your relationship. If you are reading this chances are you are questioning the relationship but more your partner.
Know you are not alone. I have been in an abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist. I finally figured out he was abusive, left him and am healed from this abuse. It is a process and takes time. First thing is to educate yourself, figure out how to leave and have NO CONTACT and then heal from the abuse.
Reach out to me if you would just like some support.
I also do 1;1 healing which changed my life completely.
Much love
Debbi