Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse

By Debbi | May 25, 2020 |

A narcissistically abusive relationship is a painful and traumatizing thing to experience but it does not have to leave a permanent mark on your life, no matter the length of the relationship.

When you can end the relationship with a narcissist you may find it is tough to love and value yourself again. Many of us wish to find themselves again and move on but feel totally helpless when it comes to actually doing this.

Here is a video where I’ll discuss some tips for learning to love yourself again after narcissistic abuse so you can get your life back. If you would like to read the transcript or read along while I talk then look below the video.

Accept Who They Are

Understand who the person you loved really is: a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality Disorder called Malignant Narcissist. This means that there is nothing you could have done to change their behavior or for things to have turned out any other way from what they did.

By accepting this, you can start to let go of the negative thinking you have towards yourself.

Forgive Yourself

It is important to acknowledge why you stayed with the narcissist through the abuse so that you can begin to move on and forgive yourself. This doesn’t mean constantly blaming yourself for what happened or beat yourself up over this forever. Your past relationship with the narcissist does not need to define you. Acknowledging what happened and forgiving yourself is a step in the right direction to being free.

Set Boundaries

If you love yourself it is important to set boundaries. Learning how to say no will help you to gain more confidence and build up your self-respect. Also make a decision to be selective about who you let into your life.

One of the most important boundaries to set for yourself is with your narcissist. Go No Contact if you can. This means you need to avoid them at all costs, blocking them, cutting off all contact, including ways you can contact them and them to contact you.

Setting boundaries is crucial for your future happiness.

Don’t Pressure Yourself

I know you may feel like you want to get on with things as quickly as possible but try not to rush. You’ll get to where you need to be.

Of course, you want to get better as you have no doubt felt oppressed, trapped, miserable and anxious along with many other painful uncomfortable feelings but focusing heavily on it and rushing yourself will most likely make you feel worse. To a certain extent this means you are resisting the reality of the negative emotions.

To get that place of feeling better, it’s important to feel what you are feeling and these feelings will become less intense. Recovery is a journey. Pressuring yourself won’t get you anywhere any faster, and could in the end just make it a longer process.

Be Mindful of The Voice Inside Your Head

It may sound strange but you may take on their voice when they are no longer in your life, so be on the lookout for that voice inside of your head. Make sure you are aware of your thoughts and stop them when you notice you are taking on destructive negative thought patterns.

**See my article on Negative Self-Talk: https://debbianderson.com/what-is-negative-self-talk/

As I mention in my article on Negative Self-Talk focus on the moment, the Now, and flip the thought into something more positive instead.

This is one of the best ways to relieve anxiety, although there are many other ways as well. Learning how to be in the present moment will help you relieve anxiety and following a meditation practice on a daily basis will jump-start your healing.

Find Ways To Get Your Feelings Out

Figure out ways to express your feelings. This may be through writing, dance, gardening, music, painting, therapy talk, or getting support from family or friends to name some ways.

Do whatever makes you feel good and helps get the feelings you have kept inside you to come out. It’s safe for you to let them out now and important that you do.

Learning to love yourself after narcissistic abuse can seem difficult, but it is completely possible. I learned to rewire my thought processes and actually dig deeper into my unhealthy beliefs. I found a way to let them go and actually have them replaced with new ones.