My # 1 Myth About Narcissistic Abuse
When I was in the relationship with my narcissistic partner I used to try and figure out why and where his problems came from. I somehow thought if I could figure out this out, it would help me. Here is the #1 Myth I had about why he was the way he was with me- abusive. Have a listen to my video here to find out what it was and how it is indeed a myth. If you would like to read the transcription for the video it is below the video.
My # 1 misconception about why he abused me was this:
“He was abused as a child.”
I actually thought that the roots of his abusiveness could be found in the treatment he suffered himself in childhood. I tried to figure out why he did what he did, and specifically why he did what he did to me.
I thought, he calls me names and says terrible things because of the physical abuse and emotional abuse he received as a child. I thought I had it all figured out.
This seemed to be the explanation as to why he would treat me abusively, I thought, until I looked at the research which showed that men who are violent towards other men were often victims of child abuse.
A bad childhood does NOT cause a man to become an abuser, but it can contribute to making a man who is abusive especially dangerous.
But if abusiveness were the product of childhood emotional injury the abuser would overcome their problems through psychotherapy. It is virtually unheard of for an abusive man to make any lasting or substantial changes in his pattern of abusiveness as a result of the therapy he has done.
We went to therapy together and tried two different therapists. One he fired because the therapist did not agree with how he saw things between us and the second one told me I had a problem with communication. My toxic partner would also only go with me to see a male therapist.
I remember how satisfied he felt when he was reminded in therapy about new excuses and sophisticated arguments for his behavior, to prove I was unstable and to learn more creative ways to make me feel responsible for my own emotional distress.
Also, he told me his mother was physically and emotionally abusive with him, hitting him with wooden spoons until they broke, neglecting him then yelling and screaming at him. Of course, by focusing on what his mother, a woman, did wrong, he got to blame her for his mistreatment of me and accept no responsibility at all for anything he did.
He would also put himself in the therapist role, adopting popular psychology terms. He would speak to me like I was a child telling me how I needed to work through my emotional issues or analyze my reasons for mistakenly believing that he was mistreating me. He would, of course, use his best condescending tone and say this with a soft-spoken voice.
Even if my abusive partner was abused as a child, he does deserve compassion, but it did not excuse his abusive treatment of me.
Something to think about:
If he was so in touch with his feelings from his abusive childhood then he should know what abuse feels like and remember how miserable he felt to be put in fear, cut down to nothing, be told everything wrong that had happened was his fault then he would actually be less likely to abuse me.
I no longer believe the misconception that the reason he abused me was that he was abused as a child and even if he was abused as a child, which was unfortunate and heartbreaking, he deserves the same compassion that a nonabusive man does. But a nonabusive man doesn’t use his past as an excuse to mistreat anyone.
I hope you found this to be of some interest and helps you in some way.
Much love
Debbi