What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Please listen to this video on what narcissistic abuse is and what I experienced when I was in a relationship with a malignant narcissist. I hope this will be of some help to you whether you are in a relationship with a narcissist or you know something is wrong but can not put your finger on what that is, or if you are out of the relationship and are still reeling from the abuse you suffered.
If you would like to read the video transcription please look below the video.
Educating yourself about what narcissist abuse is smart. If you are questioning what exactly narcissistic abuse is there is a reason. It may be that you know something is wrong in your relationship. Not everyone is a narcissist but I was in a relationship with a malignant narcissist and it took me years to figure out what was wrong. The first step I took in healing was to educate myself, I hope this is of some benefit to you.
When some people hear the term “narcissist,” which is tossed around a lot these days, they envision someone who is constantly taking selfies and talking about themselves and their wonderful attributes all the time. These traits may be present, but are mostly harmless and may even be amusing.
Pathological narcissists, however, are a different kettle of fish entirely, they construct secret lives, have fake positive emotions, lie excessively, wear different masks around different people, resulting in false realities being constructed for survivors of their abuse. All this is done to manipulate the victim into willingly making themselves vulnerable enough to be exploited and the result is an extraordinary amount of psychological and emotional damage to them.
Narcissistic Abuse Is Difficult to Explain
And yet, narcissistic abuse remains very difficult to explain to someone who has never been in a relationship with a narcissist.
We can look at the dozens, if not hundreds, of Hollywood films to begin to understand some of what narcissistic do. For example, these movies- Sleeping with the Enemy, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Catch Me if You Can, Gone Girl, and The Wolf of Wall Street, all successfully portray narcissists who respectively killed, damaged, manipulated, or conned money out of innocent people. However they also, unfortunately, glorified the narcissists in the movies.
How can we Understand How and Why Narcissists Prey Upon Other’s Emotions and Minds?
It’s also not about someone who has a problem with their anger and lashes out abusively or who drinks too much and then gets abusive.
“Somebody being an asshole is not a personality disorder. If somebody is being an asshole consistently every moment of the day through multiple contexts and multiple scenarios even when you’re saying, ‘Please stop being an asshole, it hurts and you’re ruining my life,’ that’s a personality disorder.” – Richard Grannon
What is it that narcissists, as psychological abusers, even do? And, more, why do they do it at all? What do they possibly get out of it?
Con artists, we understand, con people out of their money. We can also understand on an intellectual level that those who have the desire to kill and hurt others are mentally ill. Normal people don’t empathize with either of them. We have learned why they might do these horrible things.
The things, we as survivors, endure in narcissistic relationships, however–brainwashing, hoovering, smear campaigns, trauma bonding, double lives, silent treatments, and so many other forms of abuse– comprise a list of horrifying-sounding words that, from someone who has no history of this living hell, likely seems outrageous and even dramatic. The details that support these terms, however, are found in story after story across millions of survivors of narcissistic abuse around the world.
We still have no clear understanding of the reasons that narcissists abuse people in relationships.
Looking at narcissistic abuse closely and the harm it causes is a stepping stone into the explanation as to what it is that narcissists are trying to accomplish when they manipulate people in social situations.
Is it simply that they get pleasure out of watching the chaos around them ensue when they cause people pain and set people against each other?
Again, this sounds like something straight out of a horror scene, as if there are monsters walking around wearing human skin suits who cause all kinds of mayhem for no other reason than to do it, because it makes them feel powerful, killing souls instead of bodies.
Despite how dramatic this sounds, it is true that the excitement alone caused by psychological manipulation can explain why narcissists do what they do. The answer, however, is way more complicated than that.
Here are some explanations to simplify and possibly explain what happens in adult-to-adult narcissistic relationships, a few sentences that explain most of the behaviors and motives involved in these abusive relationships.
- We all have social needs, such as love, appreciation, trust, a feeling of connection, respect, support, and companionship. In a healthy relationship, we give and receive these things from each other.
- Narcissists need these things in even bigger quantities than most people because they are extremely vulnerable to feelings of emptiness and insecurity unless they are constantly ” fed” narcissistic supply by others.
- Narcissists are also incapable of giving these needs back to others. This is because they are always driven to getting their own needs met above all else, and at all costs.
- They will also be incapable of giving these things back to others because, in order to get their needs met, their actions end up compromising them.
- This happens because healthy relationships do not meet their needs, and they must rely on deception and manipulation in order to receive what they need from other people.
- In addition, they are wired with very low or no empathy, which enables them to accomplish this with ease.
- The tactics they use cause immense psychological damage and wreak havoc on people’s lives because the people with whom they enter the relationships are deceived into believing the relationships are mutually beneficial ones and then are manipulated in a variety of ways once they are in them.
Even though this is a very basic way of explaining the purpose of narcissistic manipulation from the narcissist’s point of view and why it matters, I am hopeful that an explanation of this type will help raise awareness that this type of abuse and manipulation exists and it is a threat.
But more my hope is that it will begin to educate you on what narcissism is and open your eyes that you are neither crazy or stupid. If you suspect that you are in a relationship with an abusive narcissist you may not even know it yet. Once you see that their behavior is not exclusive to them alone and that most narcissists have very similar tactics, that they use depending on where in the relationship you are, to lure you in ( idealization phase), rip you to shreds, ( devaluation phase), and toss you away( discard phase).
If any of this sounds familiar. You have started on your healing path by educating yourself.
You are not alone. I have been where you are. I am thankfully healed from the trauma of the narcissistic relationship I was in.
Love to you
Debbi