What is The Heck is ” Word Salad? “
My ex narcissistic partner used many tactics from his ” abusive toolbox ” and one of his best was something called word salad. Here is a video explaining what this is and how he and other abusers use this to get you off balance and make you think you are going crazy. Below the video please find the written transcription for it if you would like to read it.
I distinctly remember many many times being in a conversation with my narcissistic partner and thinking this is not normal, in fact, it was crazy-making. These conversations I would have with him felt like we were going around in circles, which I later found out we actually were. It felt so exhausting and draining. Now I know he was purposely doing this.
When my narcissistic partner was feeling bored or threatened he used what is referred to as ” word salad” in an attempt to keep my mind occupied.
These conversations were from hell.
In these conversations he was actually saying nothing, in fact, he was just talking at me. When I was about to respond to one of his outrageous statements, he would already be on to the next one.
It felt like I was spinning in these conversations. Here are some of the tactics he actually used during these conversations:
1-Circular Conversations
He would literally go around in circles during the conversations and bring up something again after I thought we had it all sorted out. This could happen many times as though I had never even said a word the first time around.
He would re-hash all the same garbage, completely ignoring the legitimate arguments I had said a few minutes ago. He would also decide when something was resolved and it was always on his terms. He was in charge.
Then when he was not getting the reaction he wanted or he wanted to move on to another of his tactic toolbox, he would say ” I’m done with this conversation and the constant arguing. ” I was left feeling like wtf just happened.
2–Condescending and Patronizing Tone
He was a professional at this one. Talking to me with his calm, cool demeanor, like he was mocking me, goading me and gauging me to see how far he could push me when he would smirk at me with an air of satisfaction.
The point of the word salad was to unhinge me and ensure he keeps the upper hand. It was a competition for him.
3-Accusing You of Doing Things That They Themselves Are Doing
When my narcissistic partner was in a heated argument with me which was frequent, he had no shame. He would label me with horrible qualities that were, in fact, his own. This is not merely projection because projecting onto others is unknowingly done.
He knew exactly what he was smearing me with, his own flaws and waiting for me to react. Telling me I was demanding, selfish, limited, a personality disorder, had a menial job and other disrespectful defamations.
4- Bringing Up Your Past Wrong Doings and Ignoring Their Own
If I happened to point out something he was doing he would bring up something totally unrelated that I had done in the past, which could be yesterday or years ago.
He never helped me with any cleaning in the house, I mean not lifting a finger and if I was to ask him to help me, as I also had a full-time job, and two children to look after, he would tell me he had helped me because he did the dishes once a year or he would ignore me as though he did not even hear me, or later that day he would come home even later than usual saying that he had to work late.
Multiple Personas
When I was involved in conversations with my narcissistic partner, he would frequently show many different parts of his personality. One minute he would insult me, the next minute he would be soft-spoken and sensitive, the next he would sneer at me and say “what are you talking about? I never said any such thing. You must be confused.” I was then left feeling uncertain and dazed, not knowing who these people inside him were I just met. I learned later that this was him, period, whoever might be showing up.
Excuses
My narcissistic partner was excellent at this one. He would promise the world but it never happened, ever. His words never matched his actions.
” I’ll fix that bathroom door.” It took years to have the door fixed and then someone else had to do it.
” Yes, I will go on that vacation.” This happened once however he stayed one day then left me at a remote cottage with no car, 2 children and it was 12 hours from our home. He returned the day before we had to return home and stayed the entire time in the cottage until we left for home.
” I will be home at seven pm.” then would show up at nine pm, ten pm or even eleven pm because he ” had to work late”. This would leave me to do all the childcare alone after I finished my own job at work while he did nothing but exactly what he chose to do.
I felt disappointed most of the time and when he did anything halfway kind or nice, I would feel relieved somehow and grateful for the mediocre treatment I received.
You Begin Explaining Basic Human Emotions
I tried to explain away his behavior. If he just knew how bad I felt and reconnected to me (he was never connected in the first place) he would stop hurting me.
But I later learned that he would never stop. He would not have hurt me in the first place if he was a decent human being. He is a narcissist and in fact, he is a malignant narcissist. He would only be pretending to be a decent human being anyhow.
What in the World Just Happened
I felt drained and exhausted by these conversations and I would obsess over the arguments which never accomplished anything. I would have many back up pre-thought arguments ready to respond to all the points that were not addressed. It never worked, in the end, I would still feel exhausted and just wanted it over, I would be the only one apologizing.
I hope that you found this eye-opening and useful. I know before I knew all the tactics and behaviors that my narcissistic partner used, I felt confused. When I found out and educated myself about wh he was I felt a sense of relief and empowered.
You are not alone on your healing path. Let me know if I can help you.
With love
Debbi