Why The Narcissist Isn’t There For You

I am not exactly sure when I realized I was on my own even when I was in my relationship. I mean I didn’t figure it out for a while, and by a while, I mean years because the abuse crept up on me. 

Not only was my narcissistic partner not there for me, when there was a stressful situation going on he would make it so much worse. If I was having a stressful time or was anxious, guaranteed he would pull his best cruel tactics out and ensure he would provoke me so that I felt so much worse. 

I remember going to a family party which was 2 hours away and he used his nasty words to purposefully push my buttons when I was already anxious about going. It got so bad I wanted to get out of the car in the middle of a snowstorm just to get away from him but my daughter was in the car, I was trapped.

 I eventually made the devastating discovery that my narcissistic partner wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most and never would be. 

I had met his cold indifference many times when my emotions were a mess, of course sending me into a downward spiral of misery and unhappiness. 

I tried my best to help him with his hurts and feel secure, while he drained my compassionate energy like engine fuel, then leaving me feeling paralyzed and abandoned without a care in the world when I was feeling so vulnerable.

If this describes you and your partner, this article and video will explain why the narcissist isn’t there for you and never will be, as well as the next steps you can take on your path to healing from abuse.

Why the Narcissist Isn’t There For you -Ever

Why isn’t the narcissist there for you whether it is battling a life-threatening health condition or everyday concerns that come up which cause you to worry and become anxious?

It may be helpful to remember who narcissists are. The first ” quality” they have is they have zero empathy.

So it’s kind of an oxymoron to ask why a narcissist isn’t there for you and can’t be there for you when you need them. Narcissists are not interested in being there for you when you need them – when you need them the most and are most vulnerable – and it’s mostly because your narcissist truly does not care about you.

The only thing narcissists care about is what they can get from you.

I do remember times when my narcissistic partner was nice to me when my father died or when I was sick, and he even sounded like he cared. But looking back on any of these times now, I can see that he always had his agenda and it was always for his gain. 

No doubt if he was being kind or loving to me, it was just a different approach to manipulate and control me. He would psychologically assault me without ever raising his voice. These are the times he would pull out one of his conversational tactics at a low volume which could include sarcasm, cutting remarks, mockeries- such as mimicking me, opening laughing at me, and cruel cutting remarks. He was excellent at taking the things I had said and twisting them so much that it made me look absurd.

Narcissists always discard us or, at the very least, are extremely cruel to us when we need them most.

I remember clearly before the birth of our daughter how he told me he did not even want the child. This was after years of trying everything to get pregnant. This is how cold and truly uncaring he could be.

I struggled for years trying to figure out what was happening to me. I even thought it me overreacting to his terrible behavior which I would minimize saying ” it is not that bad.” 

This is just how cold and truly hateful he could be.

The one thing narcissists are very consistent about is how they can be extremely cruel, indifferent, unkind, and uncaring.

Narcissistic behavior is predictable if you know that they are even narcissists, which is often not the case. You often figure this out much later. Educating yourself about who narcissists are and how they behave is a good step in your healing process.

Narcissists find it very inconvenient to be there for or have to care for anyone.

Your narcissistic partner will never be there for you unless there is something in it for them. Even in a situation where you have been diagnosed with a very concerning health problem. They could care less and it literally has no meaning to them. 

 What you can expect from them is for them to be is to be extremely uncaring and indifferent towards your pain, suffering, and fear.

You will come to see that they have not a shred of humanity within themselves. 

Also, they may “act” as though they are caring and concerned but it is just an act for others. They do not get any attention from others if all the attention and focus is on you. You know how important it is to them, how they want all the attention. They believe that there is only so much attention to go around so if it’s going to on anyone, it should be on them. 

Believing that our narcissistic partner would think about you in a kind caring way when you are vulnerable or in a vulnerable situation perhaps like when you have to have emergency surgery, is like a fly get trapped in a spiderweb and expecting the spider to not devour it. It is inevitable and the spider will not let the fly go even one time. 

First thing, you don’t want to take chances like this because, metaphorically, you’re the fly and the narcissist is the spider.

If you look at your narcissist’s patterns of behavior you will see it for what it is and eventually come to accept that the narcissist doesn’t care and there’s absolutely nothing that you or I or anyone can do. 

Narcissists can cause an unbelievable amount of pain and not only emotional and psychological issues but there is proven research linking physical conditions to abuse and trauma you have been enduring with your abusive partner. It can even cause your IQ to drop. Your brain cannot tolerate being under this kind of stress.

What is important is for you to come to a place of acceptance around this, when you realize that you are with a narcissist is you have two choices.  

 You can either stay in that relationship with a person you know doesn’t care and accept that they will never care or you can leave. You can start those baby steps.

You will never heal if you remain in an environment where you are exposed to trauma all the time.

And I can’t think of many more things that are more traumatic than being diagnosed with a serious health condition and your partner simply doesn’t care when you need them most. 

Staying in a relationship like this will almost guarantee that you won’t heal after the narcissistic abuse. Instead of being gently cared for and looked after or at a minimum being given companionship, you also have to deal with the fact that your relationship was false and everything about him was also false, and you still have you’re having to deal with their callousness and cruelty.

This is all enough to make you want to give up, but I hope you don’t.

I have been where you are. You are not alone. Please reach out to me and leave me a comment or a question.

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Find other articles and information on how to heal from Narcissistic Relationship abuse.

Love 

Debbi