I was suffering from Trauma Bonding

I wondered for years why I could not leave the narcissistic abusive relationship I was in. Now I know why and have explained it all to you. I hope this will be of some help to you whether you are in a relationship with a narcissist or you know something is wrong but can not put your finger on what that is, or if you are out of the relationship and are still reeling from the abuse you suffered.

You will see here why I stayed and how this is common in abusive relationships. If you would like to read the script for this video please find it below.

Learning about the trauma bond, also called the Stockholm Syndrome, is very important in the recovery after narcissistic abuse.

I am hopeful that this topic will help you understand why you kept staying with the abuser even after you realized you were being used, abused, and mistreated. 

I stayed in my abusive relationship, because of being ‘trauma bonded’ to my narcissistic partner— here is what happened to me and the signs I now know that it was happening.

• I did not realize that I was even in an abusive relationship
• Others found it hard to understand why I stayed with my abusive partner
• I stayed because of something called “trauma bonding,” where I was addicted to the hormonal rollercoaster my narcissistic partner sent me on

Those who have never been in an abusive relationship struggle to understand how anyone could stay. It is not uncommon for someone to ask you ” why did you stay? or why did you not just leave? ” You might have felt judged by others because you did not leave. Some people who clearly do not understand, even go as far as telling you that you got what you deserved because you stayed. That is horrible to hear and not in the least bit helpful. 

For those of us who are survivors, asking ourselves why we stayed can be a really tough question to answer. I had no idea that I was in an abusive relationship. I mean no idea. Not until my friends and then my therapist explained to me what abuse was and that I was in an abusive relationship did I leave. I was with my narcissistic partner for 14 years before I left.

This is because I was conditioned to believe abuse is always physical. On TV and in movies, I saw characters who are obviously evil. The abuse they dole out is obvious. They are violent to their partners, shout at them aggressively, or even murder them in a fit of rage. While this can happen, it’s not a true depiction of the abuse many experience, including the abuse I suffered. My abusive partner did not hit me.

I did not understand that the manipulation, lying, controlling, gaslighting, constant criticisms, callousness, lack of empathy, anger, and other traits were all abusive behavior.

Narcissistic abuse is deceptive, and it occurs over time like a slow poison.

I didn’t even realize what is happening. He began to say an off-hand comment here or an insult there, but I did not get it. I did not see it. This is because abusers are great at portraying to be everything you’re looking for in a partner, and they love- bomb you with attention. You believe this is the abuser’s real self, and when the mask starts to slip more and more, you believe its “out of character” and it must be your own fault for making your partner angry.

I stayed in an abusive relationship partly because I was trying to win back my abuser’s attention. However, I also was biologically attached to my abuser’s through “trauma bonding.”

It feels like an addictive drug

It’s a lot like becoming addicted to a drug. An abusive relationship is a rollercoaster, but from hell, with suffering and then intermittent reinforcement of kindness when you “obey.” So this means that our bodies go through their own turmoil, with high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, paired with dopamine when given affection as a reward.

Your body becomes addicted to the hormones with all the back and forth of these behaviors by the abuser. We love the connection we had with the abuser and it felt like nothing we had experienced in the past we think, and we want to feel this again. It is like a cat playing with a mouse going back and forth with the emotions and the hormones so much that our bodies become dependant on having their approval.

These hormonal ups and downs really take their toll on our bodies. Victims might find they may have all sorts of physical complaints they never had before, headaches, unexplained rashes on their body or aches and pains. They might have chest pains or even develop an autoimmune disorder.

Your body can start to shut down, and you can start to really struggle with chronic fatigue, pain, arthritic type pains, and other chronic conditions, and you just can’t fight off infections getting sick easily. Your body really can only take so much stress.

I stayed in my relationships despite the stress on my body, because it wasn’t clear to me what the problems really were. The tactics that he would use including control, gaslighting and intermittent attention, and I felt like I was backed into a corner of desperation, confusion, and self-blame trying to win back the affection of my partner who I loved and thought I could not live without. Now I know why.

Fortunately, for me I did leave my narcissistic partner however I didn’t go No Contact or even Low Contact no doubt because I was so bonded to him. I blamed it on trying to ” co-parent” with him. I found out of course that you can not possibly co-parent with this toxic abuser. He made that impossible.

Others don’t try to leave at all and are only freed from the clutches of the abuse when they are discarded by their abusers.

An abusive relationship with a narcissist or psychopath tends to follow the same pattern: idealization, devaluation, and discarding. At some point, the survivor will be so beaten down, the abuser will no longer get any benefit from using them. They may have totally bankrupted them, destroyed their confidence, ruined their reputation, or worse, and they move on to their next target.

However, at some point, once they are gone, the survivor can finally focus on themselves and slowly come around to the idea they were abused. This is a hard time when you figure out this out. It is, however, a time to grieve the relationship and get angry no doubt realizing what damage that was done to you. It is important to also realize that none of it was your fault.

Abusers seem to be able to sense vulnerability and often pull their target back in with empty promises and lies that they will change or that things will be better, only for the abuse to continue. I remember my narcissistic partner getting down on his knees with me and begging me to stay saying things would get better and please don’t leave. It was worth an academy award.

Although this sounds callous of me, narcissists have no ability to feel empathy or kindness or caring in our framework. This was all a deliberate act trying to get me to continue to provide his narcissistic supply. Narcissists can not change, ever, as they are not capable of change unless it is for their own gain or they get something else from their target that they want. It may be the target’s money, or their paycheck, to remain in their lifestyle, their house together, or the satisfaction they gain from the constant breaking down of the target using their tactics which are cruel and calculated.

Survivors need distance from abusers to realize the impacts of the abuse and to have the space to work through their feelings and reach out to a support network. Forming healthy connections will break the trauma bond.

This is when the healing can really begin, Once you understand how your abusive partner targeted you and that it was never because you were weak but because of all your strengths which the abuser does not have but sees in you.

These are the signs you might be in a trauma bond with someone

• You notice repetitive patterns of nonperformance – your partner promises you whatever, but it never shows up.
• You are disturbed by something that is said or done to you in your relationship, but you let it go.
• You feel trapped in the relationship because you see no way out.
• You have circular arguments with your partner that go round in circles with no real winner.
• You’re punished or given the silent treatment by your partner when you don’t obey.
• You can’t let go of the relationship even though you know something is very wrong and can’t stand the person you’re with.
• You may try and leave but are plagued by such longing to get back with your partner you feel it feels like it will destroy you.

Even as I knew I was doing the right thing, I felt empty with painful feelings as I broke the trauma bond. 

Leaving the narcissist and breaking the trauma bond is a process, not a simple act you perform once. A deeply confusing time I would never wish anyone had to go through, but something I had to go through in order to heal. It is a very necessary step to returning to yourself. Taking back your life and control from the person who stole it.

I am one of the fortunate ones. Because of the support of my friends and therapist I could leave. That isn’t to say that it was easy, it was still one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I did it, and you can too. My narcissistic partner actually followed me to another city and bought a house across the street from me when I left. I had to sell the house I had just purchased to get away from him causing me to lose $20,000 plus.

It is hard to understand how absolutely destructive and truly evil these abusers are to us if you have not lived it.

Maybe you’re realizing that you’re in the beginning stages of recovery and the Cognitive Dissonance is still happening in your mind, so you’re not at the point where you’re ready to break the trauma bond but you want to dissolve the Cognitive Dissonance so you can move forward. 

Know it’s within our power to leave, to save ourselves from these awful dynamics, even when we feel hopeless and defeated. You are not alone, and that support here and many other support groups.

Beginning to know that you are not crazy or there is nothing wrong with you is the most important first step to getting out and getting free.

Please reach out to me if you have a question or just to say hello. You can leave a comment below as well.

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I wish you well on your path to healing from narcissistic abuse.

Love to you

Debbi