Why You Keep Falling For These Abusers

By Debbi | May 7, 2020 |

Someone stated on my IG blog the other day. This is my second abusive relationship. Why does this happen? Here are my thoughts on this.

This time you know that you will not fall for a jerk, an abuser, a narcissist because you learned from your last relationship from hell, and this time it feels different. It is different. You know the warning signs, and with your new partner, there isn’t any.

No, they are generous and compassionate. Your bad luck with relationships is over. He is everything you want and need in a partner. You’ve finally stopped falling for narcissists, you tell yourself with certainty and happiness.

You’ve broken the cycle. You had been a few bad relationships – well okay abusive relationships.

So six months have passed since your latest relationship began but you are starting to see some things are not as they initially were.

A bit more time goes by and now actually feel like someone has hit you over the head with something heavy. Doubt has crept into your mind. More time goes by and you see that he is just like your past partners or maybe no, he is far worse.

This one is like the epitome of narcissism. He is a malignant narcissist.

You say to yourself how did I get here again? And why does this keep happening?

Here Are 3 Reasons Why You Keep Being Drawn To Abusive Relationships:

1 – You’re Aware Of Glaring Red Signs But The Smaller Signs Are Being Ignored

Ignoring these smaller signs is a mistake

When we start a new romantic relationship with someone, our brain releases a variety of flooding chemicals that evoke a sense of intimacy, connection, and passion. These brain chemicals are what keep us going back, connected, wanting more, and eventually causing us to become entrenched in a toxic relationship.

Let’s be real here. It’s easy to identify the obvious areas of concern. The flashing signs, the ones wrapped in caution tape where sirens go off.

We can’t forget that ALL narcissists are deceptive and don’t reveal their true selves right away. We are always dealing with their deceptive selves, their false selves. The kindness, compassion, or honesty we ” see” in them is an illusion. They are not who they depict to you or the world and they wear a mask to hide their true self.

Malignant narcissists are very very good at deception, manipulation, and lies and how to hide in plain sight. Like it or not, narcissists are clever. They’re intentional and calculated. He is doing what he is doing to you on purpose. They treat dating and the relationship like a game and unfortunately, they know how to play the game very well so the game is always in their favor and results are stacked against you.

Here Are Some Of The Smaller Signs You May See With Your New Partner:

They become upset or angry when they believe they are being criticized.
They talk nasty about past their partners.
They become enraged when they feel they are “disrespected” by anyone especially you.
They act as if they are an authority on everything.
They love to talk about themselves excessively even some minor achievements from years ago.
They frequently interrupt or talk over people.
They are extremely focused on material possessions.
They like to talk excessively about reputation or status.
They use puts downs with people when they don’t agree with them.
They play by different rules than others.
They will give unwanted and unsolicited advice.

Of course, these smaller signs are not a guarantee your new partner is a narcissist. However, they can certainly indicate a concerning pattern of behavior. The more symptoms a partner displays, the higher the chances that you are dealing with a narcissist.

2 – You’re Attracted To The Drama

Does the intensity make you ” feel” alive?

I had someone say to me recently that being with their abusive partner was “exciting” and “living alone was worse than living with someone who only had a few flaws and in time he could get some therapy and get better, everyone deserves a second chance.” Their partner is abusive and is an alcoholic. I remember telling her that yes he could get help for his alcoholism however the NPD could not be helped. That this was his major personality and for the most part could not be changed even with the best therapy.

You won’t experience boredom in a relationship with a narcissist but will instead experience a whirlwind of intense emotion and impulsive behavior in the relationship which may feel like it is unpredictable but it is predictable. Their apparent “crazy” behavior is not “crazy” at all. It is well thought out very deliberate behavior.

Why would anyone be attracted to such drama, though? Don’t we all want stable, comfortable, healthy, and secure relationships? Don’t we know that we deserve respect?

The answer, of course, is more complex. We might know this logically but we may not take the appropriate action to manifest it.

Many of us return to narcissistic partners because other partners feel “boring” in comparison. We might find these dynamic ups-and-downs are initially fun and mistaken that volatility for desire, passion, or even love. The ” boredom” feels worse than the drama, at first. But you will find if you are in a relationship with a malignant narcissist you eventually can not tolerate this draining behavior and will see it is certainly as not respectful or anything close to love. It can actually make you physically ill due to the high levels of stress in your body and this causes increased cortisol levels which are not healthy for your system. Your mental health will suffer and you will find you are anxious, depressed, and most likely on edge most of the time the longer you are with this person.

3 – You’re Trying To Recreate Past Unmet Childhood Needs

Are you trying to heal your past?

We absorb our beliefs and patterns from our parents, family members, teachers, and other adults when we are children and this happens before the age of 7.

Some of us had a narcissist parent and now find ourselves trapped in adult relationships with narcissists. When you first look at this, this pattern seems puzzling. You think why would you want to recreate the horror, craziness, and pain of a past abusive relationship with a parent I suffered so much with?

The answer, of course, is complicated. The thing is the unmet needs we had in childhood do not just disappear when we become adults. Those needs often grow stronger and we often put the blame back on ourselves the longer these needs are not met.

However, the attraction towards narcissists is an unconscious process. We may find ourselves unconsciously copying our narcissistic parent with partners that mimic them under the distorted idea that we can somehow “fix” our partners. Through this “fixing,” our childhood wounds will be healed. You most likely would not be aware that you are tending to your childhood injuries.

This goes along with the same thinking as to why children of alcoholics end up with an alcoholic as a partner. They are unconsciously attracted to familiar patterns. While we want to believe that we have chosen a partner who is nothing like our narcissistic parent, if we looked at it honestly we would find that we did end up choosing partners who closely resemble our narcissistic parent.

Breaking The Cycle One Step At A Time

It is not easy to recognize and break the pattern of narcissistic relationships. It takes time, persistence, and willingness.

The healing doesn’t happen overnight and it took me years to figure out how to actually heal from my narcissistic relationship.

Education and knowledge about what abuse is and specifically narcissistic abuse with a malignant narcissist was the first step I took.

Increasing Your Knowledge and Awareness

It may not be obvious why you are attracted to narcissists but you may need to search within to identify the potential reasons.

Can you see any similarities or differences, slight or obvious with your partners?

Have you looked at your past and identified that one or both parents were a narcissist or someone else who had an influence in your life when you were a child?

Did you suffer emotional, physical, or mental abuse in your childhood?

It may take more thinking and time to sort this out. Finding a therapist could help you understand this and is another step in your healing. It took me another level of healing though until I was finally free from the pain, and hold that my ex-partner had on me.

Identifying The Advantages

It may seem unusual but ask yourself how do your narcissistic relationships serve you in your life?
Did you feel a sense of safety and protection and felt comforted by this?
Did he reel you in with the love-bombing and you felt more loved than you could have imagined?
Did he seem confident and self-assured?
Were your family and friends impressed by him?

It is hard and painful to acknowledge the “good parts” of the abusive cycles you were in but if you are falling into the same patterns it may offer some help to see why you are you keep returning to relationships that are not in your best interest.

Identify What You Will Lose

There is always some sense of loss when your life changes if you walk away and this may feel terrifying at first.
You will feel real loss at the thought of these false relationships ending but they are not real. He is not real. He wears a mask of deception over the true angry and controlling person that you have seen exists.

You will feel sad initially, perhaps anxious due to no one telling you what to do think or be and angry later when you figure out how manipulative and cunning he truly is.

The powerful trauma bonds that keep you attached to him and the chemicals within your brain have caused the distorted relationship you crave. These chemicals make the relationship feel like love, feel like passion, and feel magical. These bonds also make it very hard to leave the relationship. ( See my article on Trauma Bonds)

These Will Help You

Go NO CONTACT if you can and LOW CONTACT if you have to because of sharing of children or business so you end the cycle of abuse and can begin to look at the situation without being caught up in the drama.
Go see a therapist who understands Narcissistic Abuse.
Listen to your heart again, your intuition – when you sit with yourself you will once again have access to your true self where the answers are clear.
Breaking free from narcissistic abuse is draining but staying is more draining.

You are on a journey to healing. One of the best ways to help yourself from returning to these unhealthy and dangerous relationships is to educate yourself about who they are and what these abusive relationships look like and feel like.

I went to a therapist for a year so I could finally leave my narcissistic partner then later I actually did the real healing and can now say I am free. My goal is to help others also be free.

You are not to blame, there is no judgment. It is a learning and healing process and you are a powerful warrior. There are so many excellent benefits of healing for you.

You can do this. I did. If you want my help reach out to me here:

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Debbi

Posted in What Narcissistic Abuse Feels Like