What is No Contact? What It Means to Break Up with a Narcissist
Breakups are difficult. Breaking up and going no contact with a narcissist, however, is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to deal with in your life.
It will lead you to start asking this question ” at exactly what point does a breakup with a narcissist occur? ” ” When did I actually break up with him?”
Breakups with narcissists, no matter how you define them, always are difficult to end.
They usually end abruptly, and with both people having a completely different version of what happened in the relationship. They often result in multiple make-ups, getting back together, a lot of damage, and no closure.
For the narcissist, however, once you enter into the relationship, he feels he owns you and the relationship never ends.
They may discard you. They may stop talking to you for weeks, months or even years. You may cease to be their primary source of narcissistic supply.
But in their eyes, you “belong” to them, and they will always feel entitled to reach out to you, a process called “hoovering”.
It may be years since you were in the relationship with them however they may try to re-enter your life, perhaps on social media, with a text or in-person. They just happened to run into at your supermarket and it may only be for a few minutes or perhaps it is longer. As hard as it is to believe there is story after story of narcissists returning after years or decades.
That’s not the way healthy relationships function, obviously, which leaves it to the survivor to put a true end to the relationship.
So what then is and should be the actual point when the relationship ends?
Almost everyone in a relationship with a narcissist goes back with the narcissist multiple times. This leaves survivors in a sort of relationship limbo, not in the relationship and not out of it. Limbo hell.
So when exactly is the actual breakup? Is it the first time the narcissist discards you? Is it the first time you decide you’ve had enough and leave them? or it is somewhere in between?
A natural break-up point would seem to be the last time you were together, or when you are able to put in place the concept of “going no contact.”
But let’s look at that idea a bit more.
Preparing to Go No Contact with a Narcissist
The narcissist believes the relationship never ends, even if the survivor has initiated no-contact. Narcissists have no respect for boundaries and this is why they sometimes go back even if its been years since you were in the relationship.
Hence, no-contact itself is not always even the actual end.
The problem with stating that no-contact is the end is that it relies on a promise that stretches into the future which is unknown. The partner often has to make this promise when emotionally weak and spiritually tired. Yet it requires a determination that whatever is put in place now will still hold true under conditions that cannot possibly be foreseen.
It requires a strength no human could possibly possess and is initiated under a great deal of stress. To start the initial condition of no contact when it is most needed is an almost impossible feat.
How many times did you say you were going no-contact and it didn’t work?
Therefore, there must be a strong conviction behind no-contact. A true break-up occurs when the partner institutes no-contact and consciously intends it. The intention must carry an awareness of all of the implications of what it entatils for both the present and the future. It is a deliberate act that contains a solemn vow that one can and will never go back.
“Intending it” means any unpredictable and unknown action the narcissist takes now or later is irrelevant. The narcissist could drop by the partner’s place of work, make a fake social media account, send flowers anonymously, hire a private investigator, or dispatch a carrier pigeon, and it wouldn’t matter.
The partner wouldn’t respond. The partner wouldn’t even be rattled.
This requires psychological preparation and a discipline that is difficult to take on for quite some time after learning who the narcissist really is.
I did not know it at the time, but the years it took me to finally break free, were not wasted. Despite the chemical addition and the psychological manipulation I endured, my brain was still mentally preparing me for extracting myself from the relationship. It is only now that I am out of the relationship and have healed myself with powerful healing- energy healing, that I can look back and see that.
If you are unable to go no contact there’s a concept called “gray rock” which is a form of psychological no contact that will still require a mental preparation no different than what is described here. See my article about what gray rock is and how to do it effectively.
I hope that by identifying all of these things, I can provide hope for you and shine a light on your healing path. A clearer way forward for those who are struggling to leave and break up with a narcissist for good.
Love & Light
Debbi